


Burnt Bridges

by heartscanvas



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Im Nayeon x fem!reader, Im Nayeon x reader, Love Triangle, Lovers to enemies to lovers, Nayeon x fem!reader, Nayeon x reader, Romance, TWICE x Reader, Twice x fem!reader, twice, x Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25621963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartscanvas/pseuds/heartscanvas
Summary: Y/N goes to help her girlfriend Seo-yeon sort through her mother's things after she's passed. Unfortunately, that means dealing with Seo-yeon's sister and her ex girlfriend, Nayeon. And they're forced to work through their problems with one another when Seo-yeon locks them in the basement together.A kiss was never meant to be part of the whole ordeal.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

Y/N had really thought that the funeral would be the worst thing. Seo-yeon’s father had originally refused to come, but his daughters convinced him eventually. Her mom’s side of the family, however, had resented that decision and barely spoke with him at the wake, choosing instead to glare at him from a distance while in their own conversations. Y/N had been entirely convinced that Seo-yeon’s grandmother on her mother’s side would lunge at him on the spot while he spoke of their failed marriage at the actual funeral. But everyone remained seated, even if they were seething in anger. And, when he decided against going to dinner with everyone involved afterwards, his daughters didn’t even argue with him. They had seen the error of their ways.

They had practically expected it when they had to go through their mother’s personal belongings that he would refuse to come along, and he absolutely did just that. Y/N knew it made Seo-yeon sad, even if she didn’t speak up about it. She could just tell when there was something wrong with the girl. And she couldn’t help the fact that, knowing how upset she was, made her just a bit snippy with everyone else. Or at least that’s what she attributed it all to because, obviously, she could be a mature adult when she wanted to be.

It wasn’t the fact that they had to look through her mother’s things with Seo-yeon’s sister, Nayeon. She was just concerned for her girlfriend- she held no bitterness toward Nayeon. Not at all.

She was a fucking liar, and knowing it deep down only made her more angry. 

They were in the girls’ mother’s basement, basically just looking through all of the knick knacks she had collected. When Nayeon pulled out a scrapbook from an otherwise empty drawer, Y/N leaned forward to get a good look at the pictures inside. But Nayeon just took one look at it and placed it into the latest box of things for her to keep. 

“Excuse me,” Y/N cut in, a single eyebrow arched high on her head and a deep frown on her lips. “Who said you get to keep that?” she asked and kneeled over, so she could reach out for the scrapbook. 

“I did,” Nayeon said, and, instead of taking it back out, she just crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s a scrapbook of photos, and they’re easily mostly of me.” She waved a hand in Seo-yeon’s direction where she was looking at a hand painted vase that probably should have been holding flowers but was just being used for decoration instead. “Seo-yeon always hated staying still for pictures.” 

Y/N chewed on the inside of her cheek. She knew that Nayeon was telling the truth. She’d asked more than once to see baby pictures of her girlfriend, but there barely were any to speak of. And, even now, she detested taking photos, even if it was just a random selfie. “There are still  _ some  _ pictures of her,” she argued- mostly for argument’s sake. She didn’t like Nayeon’s tone- or really anything about her at that point. 

“Y/N, quit it,” Seo-yeon spoke as she started to wrap up the vase like the fragile item it was. “I’m fine with her taking the scrapbook.”

“But it’s full of your earliest memories,” Y/N said, still reaching out a hand to take the book. 

“I can always give her the pictures of her some other time,” Nayeon replied and rolled her eyes. 

“Roll your eyes at me one more time,” Y/N dared her, standing up with her arms akimbo. “See how you like me when I’m angry.” 

“You’ve been angry this entire time,” Nayeon spat, not even standing up to face her- as if her anger didn’t deserve her attention, let alone her time. “You’ve been treating me like shit as if you even have to be here.” 

“Seo-yeon wanted my help,” Y/N said, reaching a hand up to drag it down her face. “Maybe you should think about the reason you have no one here helping you.” 

“That’s enough!” Seo-yeon shouted, putting an arm between them as they both started to move toward the other. She clenched her eyes shut and exhaled through her nose. “I’m going to go and get us all food,” she added as she stepped over boxes upon boxes and to the door. “While I’m gone, you two are going to learn to get along.” She, ever so careful and quiet, shut the door behind her, and it only made the sound of her locking it from the outside even more ominous.

Y/N walked after her, nearly stumbling on top of everything in her rush to the door. She knew that it wouldn’t open up for her, but she just had to try. Nothing happened though, and all she heard as she gave up was the front door opening and closing in the distance. “Seo-yeon, this isn’t funny!” she shouted to no avail. As she finally turned away in defeat, she saw Nayeon’s eyes dart away from her.

“Just accept we’re not getting out of here until she comes back,” she said, wrapping up some glass animals, some obviously painted by her mother herself, the brush strokes lacking a certain precision but certainly not character. “We don’t have to talk to each other. We can pretend the other isn’t even here.” 

Y/N opened her mouth to argue with her, but she had nothing better to say and silently sat down, although she still clearly wasn’t happy to listen to Nayeon’s advice. 

They managed to stay quiet as they sorted through all of the room’s belongings until Nayeon finally worked up the courage to speak up. “Here,” she mumbled, reaching to hand Y/N a paper lamp she had found. “I know Seo-yeon always loved these,” she added- an explanation needed for why she would break their long silence. 

Y/N couldn’t argue that Seo-yeon wouldn’t like it. She had a lamp back in their apartment made out of hanji, what Y/N had learned the paper was called when she brought it back from a trip to Korea. She still hesitated to take it though. 

Nayeon sighed at her clear need to deliberate accepting anything from her, taking the lamp back as her arm got tired of holding it out. 

“No,” Y/N murmured, chewing her lip. “She would probably want that.” She gestured for her to give it over, and Nayeon handed it to her without any sense of malice holding her back. 

As Y/N placed it in the box she was currently filling, Nayeon finally worked up the courage to ask, “Do you really hate me that much?” 

Y/N’s eyes went to a spot on the floor far to Nayeon’s left, but Nayeon scooted over, so she couldn’t escape looking at her. “It’s not that I hate you,” Y/N murmured, eyes moving from her face to her lap where her hands were clenched into fists. Her knuckles had gone white, and she could only imagine the feeling of her nails biting into her palms. 

“Please explain,” Nayeon told her when it was clear Y/N didn’t know what else to say. “Because literally everything you’ve done today has suggested that you hate me.” 

“How else am I supposed to feel about the person who broke my heart?” Y/N hissed, and Nayeon flinched at her words. “I did everything with the intention- the  _ expectation  _ of us being together. We applied to the same schools, we  _ got into  _ the same schools- everything looked like it was going to be perfect.” She felt her throat get tight as tears pricked her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away. “Except everything was a  _ lie _ .”

“It wasn’t all a lie,” Nayeon argued, eyebrows drawn together and a deep frown set on her face. 

“Really?” Y/N asked, shoving her box to the side in frustration. “Did we apply to all of the same schools? Did we get into all of the same schools? Did we  _ go  _ to the same school?” 

Nayeon had to clench her eyes shut as she listened to the pain in Y/N’s voice, and she couldn’t argue with any of it. “I didn’t know things would turn out the way they did,” she said.

“But you  _ knew _ that it might,” Y/N argued, glare so intense that Nayeon could feel it, even if she couldn’t see it. “And you didn’t tell me anything- I was none the wiser until you knew school was going to take you away from me.” She let out a shaky breath. “And you wouldn’t even give a long distance relationship a shot. You wouldn’t even consider it.” 

“I was scared,” Nayeon mumbled under her breath. 

“What?” Y/N asked, a look of pure confusion stuck on her face. 

“I was scared of committing to being with you forever,” Nayeon said, only a tiny bit louder, but Y/N could hear her words clearly in the otherwise silent room. “I figured… if I got into Julliard, maybe things just weren’t meant to be.” She pursed her lips into a thin line and added, “I was going to stay with you if I didn’t get in.  _ Then _ , you would have been none the wiser. But I got in. And I took it as a sign.” 

“Why couldn’t you commit to being with me?” Y/N asked- utterly stupefied by this revelation. 

“It had nothing to do with you,” Nayeon said, “before you start thinking it did.”

“Then, why?” 

“Commitment is scary,” Nayeon breathed. “It scares  _ me _ . Terrifies me, really.”

“You always acted like you were okay with all of the plans we had together,” Y/N said, shaking her head like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. 

“I didn’t want you to know,” Nayeon told her, finally lifting her head up to look her in the eyes. “And I thought- if I loved you, I should protect you. And that meant making sure you were with someone better for you than me.” She loosed a sigh as she said, “I never knew it would be Seo-yeon who would be there to pick up the pieces. But I’m glad it was.” 

“So you’re saying you loved me that entire time.” Y/N pushed herself off of the floor, hands going from her hips to her sides- from being clenched into fists to being splayed wide on her thighs all in a matter of seconds. 

Nayeon stood up too, looking like she was about to fold in on herself like a piece of paper caught in someone’s harsh grasp. “I always loved you,” she admitted, biting down on her lower lip. She took a step closer to Y/N only for the other woman to nearly stumble and fall onto the couch behind her, taking a step back. 

After a moment’s deliberation, she decided she did want to sit and sank down onto the plush surface. It gave her something to do with her hands- she clutched onto the cushions on her sides, grip tightening as Nayeon started to approach her once again, and she had nowhere left to go. “Please, just- stop talking,” she said, her voice breaking. “I liked it better- it didn’t hurt so much when I thought you stopped caring.” 

Nayeon kneeled down in front of her and grasped onto both of her hands, gently pulling them away from the couch and to her chest, right by her heart. “I was with a guy last semester,” she said as she intertwined their fingers. “Whenever I went to parties, I always ended up on the bathroom floor, crying, regretting every decision I ever made that took me away from you.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “That’s the kind of drunk I am.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Y/N asked, although she found herself gripping onto Nayeon’s hands like a lifeline. 

“Like I said, I tried getting with a guy,” Nayeon told her slowly, not making eye contact with her anymore. “I didn’t want to end up on another dirty bathroom floor. I wanted to feel something- something good, and I did it the only way I knew how.” Her eyes flicked back to Y/N’s, and she added, “He wanted more than that though. And I couldn’t give it to him- I felt the same panic I felt with you, and I realized- even then, I hadn’t learned my lesson.” 

Y/N watched as her gaze dropped to her lips, and she felt herself flushing all the way down to her chest. 

“I want to say I’ve learned my lesson,” she murmured and stood up enough to lean toward her face and grasp her cheeks within her hands. When she touched her lips to Y/N’s, neither of them moved at all at first besides to close their eyes. It took a moment for Y/N to lose the tension she hadn’t realized had built up in her shoulders. And Nayeon moved her hands from the other woman’s face to the places where her neck met them, so she could gently rub at the skin there, getting rid of any and all tension that was still leftover. 

When they broke apart, they did it together, and even their heavy breathing was in sync. 

“That was…” Nayeon trailed off, unsure what to say.

“Did you learn your lesson?” Y/N asked, her eyes going wide as she finally opened them again. “Was it all worth stabbing Seo-yeon in the back?” she whispered, eyebrows drawn together in utter astonishment. “You- you can’t  _ do  _ that,” she added, her voice going up an octave. “You made your choice.” She scooted away from Nayeon, lest she try something again. 

Nayeon stood up fully and took a step back herself, her eyes flashing with a look of hurt. “I know it was wrong,” she admitted, pushing a lock of hair that had fallen in front of her face back behind her ear. “But- sometimes, you have to do wrong things. To grow. To get what you want- to get what you need.” 

“You don’t get to play with people’s emotions like that,” Y/N argued, standing up too and pointing an accusing finger her way. “Not Seo-yeon’s- and not mine either.”

“So I just should have gone on with you, the girl I love, hating me?” Nayeon asked, gripping tightly onto the hem of her shirt as she was running out of things to hold onto.

“Yes,” Y/N replied. Her hands went to her hair and tugged on it, the only way she knew how to get her frustration out. “Like I said- you made your choice.” Nayeon stepped forward, and Y/N stretched her arm out in between them to keep her away. “You have to live with that choice. You don’t get to fuck up Seo-yeon and I when we have a good thing going just because of your own feelings- especially not feelings that you decided to not act upon a long time ago.”

They heard a door slam open and someone quietly cursing as they reached out to shut it again. “I have food!” Seo-yeon exclaimed, and they could hear the sound of her flip flops slapping against the bottoms of her feet as she stepped down the stairs. They both quickly moved to where they had been sitting among their boxes prior, Y/N glaring at Nayeon in a clear warning to stay silent about everything that had just happened. 

Seo-yeon managed to catch the door before it slammed against the wall this time, even while holding onto a large box of pizza. She set it down on the coffee table by the couch before standing up with her arms akimbo. “So. Did you two manage to get along while I was gone?” 

Nayeon opened her mouth to speak, but Y/N cut her off, picking up the lamp from earlier. “Nayeon thought you’d like to have this hanji lamp,” she said, and Seo-yeon clasped her hands together in front of her face.

“I  _ love  _ hanji lamps,” she said and turned to Nayeon. “Thanks, sis. Now, don’t you guys see that everything’s so much better when you get along?” 

Nayeon smiled, hoping it didn’t look as sad as she felt. “Yeah. It’s way better.” 

“Thank you, Seo-yeon,” Y/N added as she stood up to get a slice of pizza for herself. 

“No problem,” she replied, grinning from ear to ear as she looked back and forth between the two women. “I’m so happy.”

Neither said anything, but both of them felt their chests tighten and nearly flinched when their hands brushed against one another as they got their pizza. 

Choices had been made- and choices had to be lived with. 


	2. Chapter 2

Y/N stepped into their room, mouth open to ask Seo-yeon a question when she saw the woman, practically curled up in a ball on their bed, eyes clenched shut and her chest rising and falling ever so gently with each breath in and out. She nearly turned around to leave, so she could get some rest in peace, but the floor creaked as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other, and Seo-yeon’s eyes immediately blinked open. 

“Sorry,” Y/N apologized quietly, watching her girlfriend drag a hand down her face as she woke up. “You can go back to sleep. I’ll leave you be,” she added, but Seo-yeon shook her head and patted the spot beside her. Y/N silently stared at her as she considered all of the things she still had left to do, but she could never deny her girlfriend. Seo-yeon was her weakness, and they both knew it. 

So she climbed into bed beside her, stretching her arms over her head as she laid down before grabbing a thick blanket and resting her hands on top of its fluffy surface. 

“What were you coming in here for?” Seo-yeon asked as she buried her face in Y/N’s neck. 

Y/N gently pressed a kiss to her forehead before resting her head on top of hers. “Your sister texted me,” she told her and shifted her body, so she was lying comfortably on her side. “I was wondering where she got my number.”

Seo-yeon chuckled under her breath, and Y/N could feel her body shake lightly with the noise. “Guess I’ve been caught red handed,” she murmured, and Y/N frowned as she sat up and left her without the warmth of her body pressed against her. “Nayeon asked for your number, and I figured, since you guys made up, you wouldn’t mind,” she explained, pulling the covers over her lap and bunching them up in her hands. “I wasn’t wrong. Was I?” she asked, biting her lower lip as she stared at her girlfriend. 

Y/N chewed on the inside of her cheek. Did she mind? She really wasn’t sure, but she knew she couldn’t tell Seo-yeon, even if she was. “I don’t mind,” she said, sitting up too. She brushed a lock of hair out of her face and added, “I was just surprised.”

“I guess I probably should have told you,” Seo-yeon admitted, face sheepish as she gnawed on her lip, but Y/N shook her head. 

“It’s fine that you didn’t,” she said, grasping one of her hands within her own and giving it a gentle squeeze. “It doesn’t really make a difference either way.”

“What did Nayeon want anyway?” Seo-yeon asked, squeezing back with a tiny smile. 

Y/N retracted her hand and immediately started fidgeting once it was back in her lap. “She wanted to meet up with me some time this week,” she told her. She couldn’t help but sigh quietly. “I have a pretty packed schedule, but I’m meeting her tomorrow for brunch between classes,” she said. 

“You make it sound like a chore,” Seo-yeon commented and rested her head on Y/N’s shoulder. She even pressed a kiss to her neck for good measure. “I would really appreciate it if you would indulge her.” She frowned to herself and exhaled lightly through her nose. “I would really like it if the most important people in my life got along well.”

Y/N frowned herself as she thought about it. She and Nayeon really were the most important people in her life now that their mom was gone. Y/N had always gotten along well with their mom, but she also never really knew her particularly well. It was just her and Nayeon now though. Seo-yeon still had her dad, but they weren’t particularly close ever since the divorce. She had always flocked toward her mother instead, although she’d really been rather independent for the most part, hence why Y/N had hardly gotten to know either of her parents. 

She, however, loved her sister- probably more than she loved Y/N. Whether she would admit it or not, Y/N knew it to be the truth. Her feelings toward Nayeon had been a strain on their relationship whenever she was brought up since the beginning, so they rarely spoke of her. But things were different now. At least they were supposed to be- because, as far as Seo-yeon knew, they had finally moved on and made up. 

Y/N nudged her head off of her shoulder, so she could look her in the eyes. “I’ll do it for you,” she said, and, when Seo-yeon smiled, she did too. “Now, you go back to sleep. I still have some things I need to get done.”

“Still working on that paper?” Seo-yeon asked as she laid down again, tucking her knees into her chest and resting her head on top of one of their shared pillows. 

“Always,” Y/N said and stood up to head out the door. “I’ll join you in like half an hour.” And, before Seo-yeon could say anything, she added, “I promise.” 

Seo-yeon nodded silently and let her eyes fall shut. Y/N was tempted to just watch her as her breathing evened out, and she fell asleep again- she was just so beautiful, but she had work to do, work that really needed to get done and soon. So she stepped out of their room and headed to where her computer was charging at the kitchen table. 

Y/N didn’t end up getting her paper done. She didn’t even really get anywhere close, but it was okay because she had her meeting with Nayeon, and she was sure she could make a large dent in it before the other woman arrived. At least that was the plan, but Nayeon was already sitting at a table in the corner of the small coffee shop when she got there. 

She carried her backpack and set it down on the table but out of her way as it didn’t look like she would be getting any work done on her laptop. “I’m surprised,” she admitted, and Nayeon cocked her head to the side. “You were always shitty at getting to places on time. I thought I’d have some time to myself before you got here.”

“I learned to be on time for things that really mattered to me,” Nayeon replied, and Y/N felt her cheeks heat up. She silently cursed herself for getting so flustered and Nayeon for making her feel that way. Before she could say anything though, Nayeon gestured to her bag and asked, “What were you planning on working on anyway?”

Y/N scooted further back in her seat for good measure and said, “Just a paper. It doesn’t really matter.”

“The way you’re biting the inside of your cheek says otherwise,” Nayeon said, and Y/N hadn’t even realized she was doing anything like that, but, sure enough, her teeth were, in fact, gnawing on her cheek. She released it from their hold but only to start fidgeting with her hands in front of her. 

Heaving a sigh, she admitted, “Okay. It’s my final paper for my English summer class, and I’m second guessing every decision I make while I write it.”

“I could help,” Nayeon immediately replied, and Y/N frowned, so she knew she didn’t like the idea. But she added, “Come on. You know I’m great at writing papers. I can help. Really.”

“Why would you want to do that though?” Y/N asked, crossing her arms on top of the table. “After the way I treated you at your mom’s house, I would think you’d want nothing to do with me. Why did you even invite me here?”

“How about you think over if you want my help while I get us some food and drinks?” Nayeon replied, sliding out of the booth and standing up. “What do you want?”

Y/N chewed on her cheek again and said, “I guess a hot chocolate and a muffin.” Nayeon opened her mouth to speak, and she added before she could get the question out, “I don’t care what kind. Surprise me.” 

Nayeon nodded silently and headed to the counter, Y/N watching her as she went. She hated it, but she couldn’t help but notice just how pretty Nayeon made even just a sweatshirt and jeans look. She told herself she wasn’t terrible for just noticing, but it made her chest feel uncomfortably tight even still. 

She knew that Nayeon was a great writer, but she also didn’t want to guarantee that they’d have to communicate any more than they would while still cleaning out her mom’s house. Y/N was already dreading being in the same room as both her and her sister and having to pretend that there was no bad blood between them, but she’d told herself she could deal with it for just one more day. Thinking about making it any more than that one day seemed ridiculous. Why would she do that to herself?

She shook her head and pulled her laptop out of her bag. She angled her screen downward as she first opened it, all too aware her desktop background was a photo of her favorite kpop girl group huddled together, and she didn’t really need anyone passing by in the shop knowing that. She opened it fully once she had clicked on Google Chrome. And she couldn’t help but sigh as she logged into her school account and found her paper in her drive. She really didn’t want to work on it, but it wasn’t going to write itself. 

She barely noticed when Nayeon sat down across from her, too absorbed in diction and syntax and sentence structure. But she placed a chocolate chip muffin and a hot chocolate next to her computer, and Y/N couldn’t help but get distracted by food- it was one of her many weaknesses. 

“Good to see you’re still foodie first, human second,” Nayeon laughed as Y/N bit into the top of her muffin without even waiting to unwrap it. “You working on your paper?” she asked, gesturing vaguely toward her computer as she took a sip of her drink- knowing her, probably some kind of tea. Y/N hummed under her breath as she chewed, and Nayeon took that as a yes. “Can I read it?”

Y/N paused for a moment as she considered the question, but she didn’t have any good reason to deny her, so she turned her computer around to face the other woman and brought her drink to her mouth as she leaned back in her seat. 

It took Nayeon awhile to read through it to the point that Y/N was getting a bit antsy. Knowing the girl, she was probably reading every last bit as thoroughly as possible. Y/N felt like she was reading more than just her paper- like she was reading into the innermost parts of her mind. And she avoided Nayeon’s eyes once they lifted from her screen to look at her. 

“I didn’t know it was on  _ The Handmaid’s Tale _ ,” she said first, placing her head inside of her hand as she propped her elbow up on the table. “It’s one of my favorites,” she clarified and drummed her fingers against her cheek. “I really like how you compare Gilead to Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s a really smart metaphor, but I think you could do even more with it.” She scrolled up a bit before turning the screen back around to face Y/N. “Just one example- when you’re describing how much and all the ways Offred wants to die, you could say she would want to turn to salt like Lot’s wife.” She turned the computer back around to highlight the section she was talking about and add her insight in a little comment off to the side. “There are also little things I would change here and there- diction and things like that, but I also think you might want to add a little bit to your conclusion.” She jumped to the end and handed the laptop back off to Y/N. “I think you could really say something kinda profound here if you reference Lot’s wife again. Offred walks off toward an unknown future at the end, right? You could say that she wants to make something of her life by walking toward something more. Like when Lot’s wife turned back around- and toward her home.” 

Y/N stared blankly at her screen, more than just a bit overwhelmed with Nayeon’s advice. It took her a second to realize she should probably be taking notes, and she reached toward the keyboard but found she didn’t know what to write. “Repeat that last bit again?” she asked and got flustered over it, but Nayeon didn’t seem to mind and repeated herself practically verbatim as if she had practiced it like a little speech. Y/N knew she was smart, but she didn’t know she was so put together. She supposed a few years away at school could make the difference, but she found she was still too blown away for words. 

“If you email it to me, I can make notes of all of the little things here and there that I’d change,” Nayeon suggested, and Y/N almost jumped as her phone started buzzing. She glanced at the notification and saw that she really had to leave now to get to her next class. Nayeon didn’t seem surprised, but she supposed she had told her about her time constraints, and she could’ve easily checked the time while she was on her laptop. “If you want me to help that is.”

Y/N found herself nodding her head without really thinking about it as she stuffed her laptop back inside her bag and grabbed her muffin and hot chocolate for the road. “Yeah, sure,” she said and threw her bag over her shoulder. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Nayeon merely gave her a tiny wave as she took a sip of her tea. 

It took until Y/N was halfway to class for her to realize what she had just agreed to in her haste, but there was no taking it back. She could only sigh as she continued to book it to campus.

Y/N breathed a sigh of relief as she sat back in the driver’s seat and put her keys in the ignition, her eyes stuck on her girlfriend as she too climbed inside the car. Her makeup was still done and extra as ever, but she had at least taken her hair down from how they’d been styled up toward the sky in braids. She was pretty sure they were supposed to look like ears since Seo-yeon had been playing an evil kangaroo- The Sour Kangaroo, as she reminded her every time she referred to her otherwise- but they mostly just looked like alien antennae to her. 

Even with her cheeks coated in bright red circles of blush and brown eye makeup all the way up to her brow bone, she looked beautiful, and Y/N had to remind herself she had to drive. She couldn’t just stare at her forever, no matter how much she wanted to. It was the last night of the show, and the entire cast and crew were going out to a local diner to celebrate four days straight of performances. Y/N wasn’t part of the production, but she knew everyone well enough from watching Seo-yeon in rehearsals that she was allowed on the excursion as an honorary member of the team. 

“I’m so ready to conk out,” Seo-yeon breathed, her head drooping on top of her shoulder, and her eyes shut as if she was already fast asleep. 

“Don’t you want to eat your weight in pancakes first?” Y/N asked as she made a sharp turn that seemed to help wake Seo-yeon up at least a little bit. “I thought you were excited for dinner.”

“I am. Don’t get me wrong,” she replied, rubbing her eye as gently as possible, but she still managed to get eyeshadow on it. She didn’t even try to get it off, merely leaning back in her seat and closing her eyes once again. “It’s just been a long week. I mean, between cleaning out my mom’s house and the show…” she trailed off, smacking her lips together and pursing them into a thin line. “It’s just been a lot.” She shook her head and added, “And we’re not even done at my mom’s.” 

“Don’t think about that right now,” Y/N told her, reaching a hand out to squeeze one of hers as she pulled into a parking spot. “Just focus on enjoying yourself with your friends. You deserve a night to just enjoy yourself.”

Seo-yeon smiled, but it looked rather bleak until she shrugged her shoulders, and, as if she had shrugged off all of the pain and worries, her face immediately brightened up. She undid her seatbelt with renewed energy and practically jumped out of the car, mumbling to herself about all of the pancakes she was going to devour on their way inside. 

Y/N held the door open for her girlfriend, who kissed her cheek as they walked inside. One of the waiters immediately led them to a table in the back where everyone else was already gathered. Several people shouted greetings at them as they sat down, and Y/N was glad to catch Seo-yeon with a genuine smile on her face. She had worried the woman was just pretending to be okay ever since the news about her mother, so she would take any real happiness she could get. 

The waiter laid menus on their table, which they immediately opened up, even though she was sure that Seo-yeon had come in, knowing exactly what she was going to order. “What are you looking to get?” she asked Y/N, who was less sure. 

“Probably just some waffles,” she replied, cocking her head to the side as she flipped through the booklet. “Maybe I’ll spice it up and get chocolate chip waffles.” She glanced back up at her girlfriend and asked, “And you? Pancakes, I assume?”

“And I’m thinking a side of bacon,” Seo-yeon said, and Y/N nodded slowly. She had expected as much. 

“Am I late?” a voice asked, and Y/N froze before looking up at Nayeon, who had approached their table with the strap of her purse gripped tightly in her hands. 

“I didn’t think you would make it!” Seo-yeon exclaimed and scooted to the side in her half of the booth, so Nayeon could sit down next to her. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the show,” Nayeon apologized as she sank onto the seat. Seo-yeon nudged her menu in her direction, and she quietly thanked her. 

“I know you were busy,” Seo-yeon said, playing with her fingers on top of the table. “Why did Dad let you go?”

“He got hungry, and I told him about how you invited me here,” Nayeon explained, brushing a lock of hair back behind her ear. “He said I could come as long as I got him something to go.”

“What were you doing with your dad?” Y/N asked, eyebrows furrowed as she glanced back and forth between the two sisters, who clearly knew something she didn’t. 

Nayeon swallowed thickly. “I’m taking a semester off from Julliard. I’m gonna stay with my dad in the meantime.”

Y/N leaned back in her seat as the news hit her. She was probably going to be seeing Nayeon a lot more than she wanted. She felt a bit less bad about agreeing to let her help with her paper now. But she was also confused. “Why would you do that?” she asked and shoved her menu off to the side, so she could prop her elbows up on the table. “The Nayeon I knew would hate to put herself behind schedule.”

Nayeon chewed on her lower lip, staring at Y/N’s arms instead of looking anywhere near her eyes. “With everything that happened to Mom…” She clenched her eyes shut, but, when she finally opened them up again, they were surprisingly dry. “I just think I could use a semester to figure things out.” She pointed down at the menu all of a sudden, turning to Seo-yeon and asking, “You’re getting pancakes? I think I’ll do the same.” She quickly closed the booklet and grabbed Y/N’s, so she could stack them on top of each other for the waiter to take. “Blueberry?” she guessed, and Seo-yeon nodded. Nayeon did the same- she slowly nodded her head while staring up at the ceiling in thought. “I’m gonna get that too. And some for Dad of course.”

Y/N didn’t question her again, not as the waiter took their orders and brought them their food or as Seo-yeon’s friends called out to her every once in awhile with some inside joke even she didn’t understand from rehearsals. She just ate her waffles in relative silence. She made a comment here and there about how she had enjoyed the show, but Nayeon truly had nothing to say, except questions about what exactly the musical had been about again because she forgot. 

It wasn’t until they were almost done with their meal, and they had fallen into a long silence that Seo-yeon lifted her head to glance solemnly back and forth between them. “I didn’t just ask you to come, so we could hang out,” she admitted, hand gripping onto her fork tight enough that her knuckles had gone white- so they knew what she had to say must be something serious. 

“What’s up?” Y/N asked between bites of food, chewing quickly, so she could get the words out. 

“I had an idea,” Seo-yeon said, and Nayeon raised an eyebrow. Seo-yeon got a bit flustered as she seemingly considered whether or not she really wanted to ask them about whatever it was on her mind. “I read somewhere about people sending messages in a bottle to- the dead.” She stumbled over her words, and her eyes got a bit glassy, but she blinked the tears away. “I thought maybe we could write something to Mom and… send it off.” 

“That sounds like a good idea,” Nayeon reassured her, reaching out to grasp her sister’s hand and hold onto it. “I’d like that,” she added for good measure, and Seo-yeon finally smiled, albeit rather sadly. “Would you want us all to write one message for one bottle or all different messages?” 

Seo-yeon cocked her head to the side as she thought it over. “We should do all separate messages,” she decided in that moment. “She deserves to hear what all of us have to say to her.”

“You want me to write a message too?” Y/N asked, pointing a finger back at herself. She wasn’t against the idea. She just wanted clarification as she hadn’t exactly known their mother all that well. She’d still write something for her if that was what Seo-yeon wanted- of course she would. She just didn’t know exactly what. 

“If you wanted to,” Seo-yeon said. She reached across the table, so she could hold onto one of Y/N’s hands. It was like they were all connected for a moment before she dropped it, and Nayeon followed suit, dropping Seo-yeon’s. “You don’t have to if you don’t.”

“I want to if you want me to,” Y/N told her. “Do you want me to?” Seo-yeon paused for a second before nodding, and Y/N smiled to let her know everything was okay. “Then I’ll do it.”

“Thank you,” Seo-yeon whispered. Two people in bright red and blue makeup were about to pass by the table and leave but stopped to say goodbye to Seo-yeon, who brightened up a bit at seeing her friends. Nayeon and Y/N just silently finished their food, and Seo-yeon didn’t take much longer herself once her friends were gone. 

Nayeon asked for a box for their dad’s blueberry pancakes, but that was all they needed from the waiter besides the check, which they all agreed to split. The food was overpriced but not so badly that any of them really couldn’t afford it. 

As they got up to leave, Seo-yeon hugged her sister and held on tight for a bit. Nayeon hugged her back of course and nodded goodbye once she finally let go. She just waved to Y/N, who hesitantly waved back as she led Seo-yeon back to the car. She paused once they got to the trunk and grabbed her girlfriend’s arm before she could go to get in the passenger’s seat. 

“What’s up?” Seo-yeon asked, turning around to face her.

Y/N just stared at her for a moment, overwhelmed honestly with her beauty, even when she was wearing the most ridiculous makeup she had ever seen. She gently kissed her before pulling away and asking, “You’d tell me if you weren’t alright. Right?”

Seo-yeon stared at her lips before looking up into her eyes and nodding. “I’m fine. I swear.”

Y/N nodded back, but it took her a few seconds to turn away from Seo-yeon and in the direction of the driver’s seat. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Seo-yeon agreed as she went to get in on her side. She was quiet enough that Y/N barely heard her, but her voice was strong- stronger than she knew she truly felt. But, if she didn’t want to talk to her about it, she couldn’t exactly force her. 

Their drive back home was silent, but they glanced at each other often with love so clear in their eyes that it was far from awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you're enjoying the story. It would mean the world if you left a comment. What was your favorite part of this chapter?


	3. Chapter 3

Y/N ran her hands through her hair, pushing the loose strands of her ponytail away from her face as she stared at her laptop. She heard a door swing open and light grunting as the person in question carefully dropped something large on the ground. She vaguely recalled hearing the door open and shut a couple times but hadn’t really been paying attention to the sounds, her full focus on the paper she still had to write. 

She quickly switched to a different window as she heard steps approaching. She didn’t want Seo-yeon to know she still had yet to finish it, and, as the girl stepped into the kitchen, she closed her computer entirely, lest her eyes wander and see she still had the document opened. 

Seo-yeon breathed a shaky sigh as she grabbed a stool from where it sat at the counter, her chest heaving and beads of sweat appearing on her forehead from the physical exertion she must have put herself through. Although, Y/N still wasn’t sure exactly what physical activity she had actually done. Not that the girl was necessarily averse to exercise. She went for the occasional run here and there but not without telling Y/N she was leaving the apartment, and she never pushed herself so far that she got this tired.

“I’m exhausted,” Seo-yeon said once she had caught her breath as if it wasn’t already clear. She smiled, but it was lopsided as if even moving the muscles of her face was a lot for her. “But the boxes from my mom’s are all inside now.” 

Y/N pushed her laptop away, so she had room to lean her elbow on the table. She held her head in one hand, lightly scratching at the back of her head with the other as she furrowed her eyebrows at her girlfriend. “Is that what you were doing?” she asked before crossing her arms over her chest. “But there were so many boxes in the car- you should have asked me to help.” 

But Seo-yeon just chuckled. “And distract you from your essay?” she asked, and Y/N’s face fell, knowing now that she’d been caught. She didn’t know how, and she didn’t know when, but she’d certainly been caught. “It’s fine. Really. I’m out of shape. It was good for me to get off my ass and put myself to work.”

“It couldn’t have been pleasant though,” Y/N murmured. Seo-yeon merely shrugged as if it didn’t matter. It was concerning, just as so many of her words and actions lately had been. She really couldn’t be sure just how well the girl was coping with her mother’s death when she would say and do such concerning things- but never without a smile on her face. 

She opened her mouth to speak, but Seo-yeon cut her off, “Whatever you’re about to say, stop. I’m fine. I could use the occasional endorphin rush.” She ran her hands down her legs, letting them grip onto her knees upon reaching down that far. “Will you be able to finish your essay tonight?” she asked suddenly, but Y/N started to chew on her lower lip, and Seo-yeon could tell just from that that it wasn’t happening. 

“Please, if you need an extension, don’t wait to ask for it,” she said, her eyebrows drawn together in worry. “I know it’s anxiety inducing, but they’re there to help you. They don’t want to see you fail any more than you do.”

Y/N sighed, clenching her eyes shut before nodding her head in defeat. “I’ll ask for an extension.” She opened her laptop and saw her shoulders raised in tension in the reflection as it booted up. She tried to lower them and just breathe, but her heart was beating a mile a minute.

Before she could sign in with her PIN number, Seo-yeon walked over and wrapped her arms around Y/N, squeezing her tightly and kissing along her jawline. “You can do it. You’re strong.” She pursed her lips into a thin line and added, “I’m really not trying to be the bad guy.”

“I know you’re not,” Y/N said. Suddenly, her phone buzzed, and her eyes darted toward where she had forgotten she’d laid it down on the table. There was a message from Nayeon, and she didn’t even have to read it to know what it was asking.

“Why don’t you ask Nayeon for help?” Seo-yeon asked, and Y/N didn’t want to tell her that they’d already discussed it, and she’d (technically) agreed. “She’s great at writing essays.” She let go of Y/N, standing upright again, but laid a hand on her shoulder. It was bare from the sleeve of her T-shirt falling down and off of it, and she leaned into Seo-yeon’s direct touch. “You might not even have to get an extension.”

“I’ll ask her to help,” Y/N agreed, although her chest started to hurt at the thought of Nayeon reading her work again. She remembered how it had felt like she was reading something much deeper than a final paper and, also, simply didn’t want to feel indebted to the girl. But the fact was that she’d agreed then, and she’d agreed now, and there was no longer any getting out of it. 

Seo-yeon moved to go get a cold water bottle from their freezer while Y/N logged into her computer. She glanced at Nayeon’s text, which included her email, and quickly shared the document she had opened with the girl before closing the laptop- with a tone of finality. She had done it. She had really finally done it, and she honestly didn’t know how to feel. She stood up from the table on shaky legs, leaning over to rest her hands on her thighs as she cursed her stupid nerves.

“Hey,” Seo-yeon said between gulps of water. “You’ve done it. You should be proud of yourself.” She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. “Drink this. You’ll feel better after a glass or two.”

She knew that Y/N didn’t drink often, so Y/N knew that her distress must have been obvious, which only made the feeling that much worse. She immediately took the bottle, but she didn’t get herself a glass, just a transparent mug with a pink splatter pattern that she liked. She normally just drank hot chocolate from it, occasionally coffee, but she could make an exception for that moment. 

“I love you,” Seo-yeon reminded her as she stepped back out into the hallway. 

Y/N sat on the counter with her mug cupped between both hands and immediately replied, “I love you too.”

That was just the way they loved each other- without a shadow of a doubt.

“I hate this,” Seo-yeon groaned as she carried a box toward her car, the back of which was open and nearly full with other boxes. Y/N carried her own right behind her, but she was much more quiet in her resentment for the physical labor, although she itched to wipe away the beads of sweat she could feel forming on her forehead.

“We’re done now, so it’ll be fine,” she reassured her girlfriend, who sighed as she dropped the box in the trunk. Y/N hoped there wasn’t anything fragile inside, but she was sure Seo-yeon would have been careful with her mother’s belongings if she knew they were breakable. 

“Are we really?” the girl asked, a tinge of hope to her voice but only just a tinge, her doubts and reluctance outweighing anything else in that very moment. 

“I’m pretty sure,” Y/N told her as she set down her box. She really hoped they were done because there was barely any room left in the trunk of the car, and she would really rather not try to fit any more stuff onto the backseats or the floor. 

“I’ll go check,” Seo-yeon told her and started trudging back in the direction of the house as if one of her feet were asleep, but Y/N knew she was just tired. She followed her with what wasn’t quite pep in her step but was at least a little more energy than whatever her girlfriend had. “I’ll check the basement. You take the living room for now.”

Y/N nodded and stepped inside the living room. A lump formed in her throat as she stared at the empty room. All that was left of the place as it had been when their mother was alive was the couch, which no one had wanted to bother moving and that they had felt wasn’t quite so sentimental that they really needed to take it along. She paced by the windows where there was a landing that used to be covered in pictures of the Seo-yeon and Nayeon when they were younger. It was just so empty now- the entire room was, and she knew that, if it was stirring up these emotions in her, the other two must have been in unimaginable pain. 

She walked toward the direction of the hall to go check on Seo-yeon but stopped in the middle of the doorway, seeing there was, in fact, something left other than the couch. There was a painting on the mantle, and she paused, inching toward it as if it had some kind of magnetic pull on her. 

There were two canoes, maybe a foot and a half apart, and the two passengers reached out their hands to touch each other but just barely missed the other’s grasp. One of them was rowing their own boat, and the other was being rowed by a man in fancy clothes that looked just a size too big for his small frame. 

She didn’t know why it caught her attention, but she didn’t realize just how long she had been staring at it until Nayeon was, suddenly, at her side, staring at it too. 

“I think I’m gonna take this,” she murmured, and Y/N didn’t argue with her. Words formed in her mouth, but she didn’t let them slip free and just swallowed harshly. Nayeon glanced away from the painting and at her, and she shrank away from her gaze, though she didn’t know why. 

“I’m glad we didn’t leave before taking this,” she said eventually, and Nayeon merely nodded. 

“You never shared your essay with me,” she said, and Y/N turned to look at her with furrowed eyebrows and a deep frown on her face. 

“Yeah, I did. I shared it with you just the other day,” she argued. She had wondered why Nayeon had yet to give her any feedback. The girl had said that she’d learned to not be late for things that mattered to her, and, even though Y/N didn’t know how she felt about it, Nayeon had made it clear that that included her. If she waited too much longer, she really would have to ask for an extension, and no one wanted that. 

“No, you didn’t,” Nayeon said and pulled her phone out of her back pocket. She took a moment to type in her passcode before opening her Google Docs app and pulling up one of the last documents she’d opened. She held it out for Y/N to take, and she quickly grabbed it out of her hands, ready to prove her wrong. 

But it quickly became clear- she wasn’t wrong. And Y/N was an idiot. 

_ The first time I met you was back when I was dating Nayeon. She’d just bombed a test and said no, no, she didn’t want me to come over because she didn’t deserve the comfort. She’d failed. And I said that was bull and drove over there immediately. You opened up the door and didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know that Nayeon hadn’t mentioned she was dating anyone. She was out and had been for a long time, so I figured she would be open about us.  _

_ When I told you I was her girlfriend, you didn’t flinch. I remember your face actually softened, and you said you were glad I came. Because Nayeon needed someone like me, someone who would come and be there for her, even when she insisted she should be alone.  _

_ You asked me to wait for the cookies you’d made to cool before I went to see her, so I could deliver them on your behalf. You made them into cookie bars really because Nayeon was odd like that and preferred them in that form- something about the thickness. We talked while I waited. You asked where I was applying to school, and I rattled off the list, and I’m sure I said something like, “You know, all of the same places as Nayeon.”  _

_ I’m sure you must have known at the time that she was applying to Julliard, and you didn’t tell me. And, for a while, I was mad at you for holding back that information. But I think I understand now that that was just how things had to happen. You would always protect your daughter, even if she kept things like us a secret from you, and you didn’t always understand her actions.  _

_ We ate so many cookie bars. I remember feeling sick when I finally drove home that night, and Nayeon didn’t go to school the next day because her stomach felt awful. But I think that evening did us both a world of good. When Nayeon finally found out I told you about us and told me she hadn’t said anything yet, I thought she was going to break up with me. But, just like you, her face softened, and she said you had a long conversation about it. And you told her you loved her, you would always love her, and you were glad that I loved her too.  _

_ I didn’t see you for a few years after Nayeon and I broke up. Sure, I was dating Seo-yeon, but I was nervous to see you, knowing I’d gone from dating one of your daughters to the other.  _

_ It took forever for me to let Seo-yeon finally drag me back to your home. I always insisted on us hanging out at my apartment, and, then, we got an apartment together, and I insisted there was no reason to go back to your house when she wasn’t living there anymore. I insisted you would hate me whenever she tried. She insisted you wouldn’t, but I didn’t believe her.  _

She had read over the following words so many times that she knew what was coming by heart before her eyes even fell upon them. 

_ I think you were always weirdly understanding of me. It’s like, if anything was true in the world, it was that I loved your daughters. Both of them. Sometimes too much for my own good.  _

_ It’s obvious I love Seo-yeon. I wouldn’t tell her that I do every day if it wasn’t true. I wouldn’t wake up to my face in her neck or our legs intertwined every morning if I didn’t understand, even on an unconscious level, that she’s my person.  _

_ Nayeon is more complicated. I thought I hated her for so long. When she broke up with me, she didn’t just break us. She broke me. But I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate her really. I know you might think otherwise because of how I talk to her, but I just want to keep her at a distance because I don’t know how to cope with the fact that I still love her.  _

It really was as bad as she remembered. She stopped reading, shoving the phone back in Nayeon’s direction and avoiding looking at her, staring instead back up at the painting. She felt the touch of Nayeon’s fingers on her clammy palms and dropped the phone entirely at the sensation, Nayeon ducking down to the floor to grab it from where it fell. 

“You said-” she started, but Y/N finally glanced back at her- with a fierce glare.

“We’re not going to speak about what I said,” she said and crossed her arms over her chest. She felt the tension in her shoulders as they rose up by her ears but tried her damndest to lower them back to their normal level again. 

“You’re just going to ignore it like it doesn’t matter?” Nayeon asked, her grip tightening on her phone, her knuckles going white from the exertion. “It’s clearly been on your mind. You didn’t just write that for no reason.” 

“So it’s been in the back of my head,” Y/N admitted. She shifted into a wider stance as if that would make her words any more convincing. “It can stay there. That’s where it belongs.” 

“You don’t think there’s a reason you sent me this?” Nayeon tossed the phone onto the nearby couch, so she could talk with her hands. “You don’t think it’s fate?” 

“What, like you getting into Julliard was fate?” Y/N hissed. She uncrossed her arms to put her hands on her hips like she was an elementary school teacher, chastising one of her troublesome students. 

“You know I regret ever thinking that,” Nayeon spoke quietly and clenched her eyes shut as if she could erase the memory from her mind if she just concentrated hard enough. “Just like you know I still love you. That I never stopped loving you.”

“Maybe you should take some notes from fate,” Y/N told her. “How did you describe how you felt?”she asked no one in particular, cocking her head to the side as if she was deep in thought. “You wanted to say you learned your lesson.”

“That’s right,” Nayeon murmured, unsure where she was going with the memory.

“Well, I’m not a learning experience,” Y/N said, grinding her teeth once the words were out there. “I’m a person and not one that you just get to love when it’s convenient for you.” She attempted to blow a strand of hair out of her face, but it wouldn’t budge, so she used a hand and tore it out of the way like the force would get rid of this whole predicament. 

“If you were going back to Julliard this semester, would you say the same thing?” she added, and Nayeon started to chew on her lower lip like she didn’t have an answer. “You don’t get to uproot everything between Seo-yeon and me just because of something stupid I said.”

“It wasn’t stupid,” Nayeon said, and Y/N could see there were tears pricking at her eyes. It made her chest ache, but she ignored the feeling.

“It  _ was _ stupid,” Y/N replied. She clenched her hands into fists by her sides, tempted to touch the girl, knowing she was hurting, and it was her fault, but unwilling to budge and prompt even more accusations that she felt anything more than friendship for her. “No one ever gets over their first love entirely,” she argued, pursing her lips into a thin line. “That doesn’t mean I love you.”

“But what if this is just exactly what you said you were doing?” Nayeon asked and grabbed both of Y/N’s hands, so she could hold them to her chest, right by her heart, even when they were clenched into fists. “You said you’ve been talking to me the way you do because you wanted to keep your distance,” she reminded her, hands gripping hers more tightly, “because you don’t want to admit you love me too.” 

Y/N pulled her hands away, wiping her sweaty palms off on her skirt. “Just stop already. It’s not gonna happen, and you need to get that through your head.” She turned back to face the painting, refusing to look at Nayeon for even one second longer. “Can you at least stop for Seo-yeon’s sake if you really can’t for mine?” 

Nayeon glanced sideways at the painting and opened her mouth to speak but closed it again. “You know I’d never want to hurt her,” she said.

Y/N scoffed and shook her head. “You’re doing a pretty shitty job at that.”

“I’m supposed to ignore all of the signs, telling me I can get what I really want- that I really need?” Nayeon asked and finally turned to face the painting too. Y/N could feel her eyes drift away from her like they had left a physical mark in their wake. “I feel like the guy in this painting,” she said suddenly, and Y/N looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. “All I want is to touch the girl I love and her hand,” she said, staring up at the figure rowing his own boat before throwing Y/N a sideways glance. “And she wants it too, but she already has someone, who she’s just letting row her away, whether they know it or not.” She sighed and shook her head. “The girl won’t do anything to stop them.” 

Y/N opened her mouth to speak when she heard a door swing open and footsteps coming in their direction. Seo-yeon poked her head into the doorframe and asked, “Are we clear here?” But, seeing the two of them, she noticed the painting and walked over. “What are we gonna do with this?” she asked, lifting a hand to scratch at her chin. 

“Nayeon wants it,” Y/N told her, and both girls turned to look at her. “She said she really connected with it,” she added. And, with a gentle nod of her head, she asked, “That’s what you said, right?” 

Nayeon was silent for a moment before reluctantly nodding back. She reached to take the painting down and held it in her hands. It wasn’t much bigger than an ordinary poster board, but that didn’t stop her from gripping it tightly like it was something more than just some painting. “I’ll go put this in my car,” she said suddenly and walked past them like she was in a hurry to get away. 

“That works out well,” Seo-yeon commented. “We didn’t really have any space for it anyway.” She tilted her head to the side as she gave Y/N a once-over and pulled her in for a hug. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

Y/N bit the inside of her cheek and held her tightly. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine. It’s just been a long day.” She pulled away to look at her girlfriend and see if she was alright. “What about you?” She tugged her hand over to the couch and sat down. Unfortunately, she sat down on Nayeon’s phone and had to pull it out from underneath her, but Seo-yeon sank down beside her as she tossed it onto another cushion. “It must be weird, seeing the house like this.”

Seo-yeon reached out and plucked her sister’s phone off of the couch, and Y/N couldn’t help but freeze up. Because, if she just opened the phone, if she was just the tiniest bit curious about what was on it, everything would change- and she wasn’t ready for anything to change. But Seo-yeon merely passed it back and forth between her hands, a frown forming on her face when she saw Y/N’s startled expression. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” she asked again. She stopped with the phone, holding it in one hand, so she could place the other gently on Y/N’s thigh. “I told you you don’t have to be worried about me.”

“It’s not that,” Y/N replied quickly, although she really was worried, and she probably should have just said so if she really didn’t want Seo-yeon to be concerned. 

“Well, then, what is it?” She scooted closer to Y/N and leaned her head on her shoulder as she squeezed her thigh. “You know you can tell me anything,” she added, pressing a light kiss to her girlfriend’s neck. 

Y/N relaxed at her touch and placed her own hand on top of Seo-yeon’s, so she could squeeze her back. “Nayeon showed me she left comments on my paper on what to change,” she lied and pursed her lips into a thin line. “I just- I don’t want you to see everything I did wrong.”

“So this is what’s making you nervous?” Seo-yeon held up the phone before tossing it onto the cushion beside her. “Then, I won’t look.” She brushed a stray strand of hair out of Y/N’s face and moved to kiss her on the cheek. “Does that make you feel a bit better?”

Y/N nodded, although her heart was still pounding in her chest. She was surprised that Seo-yeon couldn’t hear it, but perhaps she was just ignoring it for her sake. “I thought you’d say something like, ‘It can’t be that bad’ or that you just wanted to make sure I got it done.”

“I trust you,” Seo-yeon said, “meaning yes, I doubt it’s that bad, but, if you don’t want me to see it, I won’t look, whether you get it done on time or not.” She snuggled into Y/N’s side, wrapping her arms around the one of Y/N’s that was closest to her. 

“I love you,” Y/N murmured, and she meant it, no matter what Nayeon wanted to believe. She believed it. 

“I love you too,” Seo-yeon whispered. She didn’t even budge when Nayeon opened the front door and walked back inside. Y/N could feel herself clenching her muscles, but she prayed Seo-yeon simply thought she was still nervous about her paper. 

Nayeon stood still in the doorframe once she laid her eyes on the couple as if she’d disturb them and their moment if she inched even a single step closer. She even lowered her voice as she asked, “Are we done with the rest of the house?”

Seo-yeon didn’t sit up but merely turned her head to where Nayeon was still looming by the edge of the room. “We still have to check upstairs. I can do it if you’d rather sit here-”

“No,” Nayeon said curtly, seeming to regret the single word as soon as it was out of her system. Seo-yeon sat up and untangled her limbs from Y/N’s, so she could look at her sister properly. “I’ll do it.”

Seo-yeon stood up and walked straight past her in the direction of the staircase that led up to the next floor. “We can do it together,” she simply stated, and Nayeon hesitated for a moment but reluctantly followed behind her. 

Y/N stared at Nayeon’s phone where it sat idly on two cushions over. Her hands were shaking as she picked it up, almost making her mess up Nayeon’s passcode, which was rather predictably just her birthday. She opened up her letter again and just stared at the words for a couple minutes before finally gathering the courage to delete the last chunk. She could rewrite it later- she could write what she really truly believed she felt. 

Because that was what she really truly felt. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m sorry it’s been such a long time since I updated. I started school again, and it’s been a big adjustment. I haven’t had the motivation to write in a long time, but I’m planning to get back on a regular writing schedule. I just won’t be writing every day anymore, so updates might be slower. And I might have to take off sometimes when I have a big test to study for or a paper to work on. I’ve had a lot of big projects recently, so it’s kinda a miracle I’m writing this for you now. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m back, but updates will be slow. I hope you at least enjoyed this chapter, and it would really mean the world if you left a comment, whether it be about a specific moment you enjoyed or if there was anything you liked about my writing- anything like that. Comments really do mean the world to fanfic writers like me, so please, if you have something to say, I would love to hear it.


	4. Chapter 4

Y/N heaved a sigh as she stalked her way out the door of the classroom of her summer course- thankfully for the last time- and headed straight toward the building’s entrance, adjusting her backpack on her shoulder and pushing stray strands of hair from her ponytail out of her face. It wasn’t until a car honked that she looked up from the ground, and she jolted at the sight of Seo-yeon in her truck, waving her over. 

She hesitantly stepped in her direction, hopping in the passenger’s seat once Seo-yeon had unlocked the door for her. “What are you doing here?” she asked and tossed her backpack into the back of the car before strapping herself in. 

“I know this was a hard course for you,” Seo-yeon said and glanced in her side view mirror to make sure no one was walking or pulling out as she left her parking spot. Y/N didn’t argue with her. Even with Nayeon’s help, she’d still been so worried about her final grade. She still was nervous- they wouldn’t be getting their grades back for at least a week, and she knew it would be a constant thought in the back of her mind- if she could keep it in the back of her mind and not on the forefront where it demanded to stay. “I thought we could go to Barnes and Noble. Take your mind off of things for a few hours.”

Y/N felt tears pricking at her eyes but managed to wipe them away before they could fall. She didn’t know why she was so emotional. She supposed this class and everything involving Nayeon had put her so on edge that she wasn’t prepared for someone to do something nice and not at all stress inducing for her. Another wave of emotion hit her as Seo-yeon reached a hand over to rub circles on her thigh over the denim of her jeans. 

“Please don’t cry,” Seo-yeon said quietly. She never knew what to do when Y/N cried, even when they first started dating, and Y/N was still grieving the loss of what she thought she had with Nayeon. Seo-yeon was surprisingly good at calming her down. But, when Y/N was particularly upset, she got so incredibly stressed that she would start crying too, and all they could do was hold each other until they both calmed down. 

“I won’t,” Y/N told her, the words struggling to escape her mouth, which was suddenly dry, probably from her anxiety. Seo-yeon, seemingly trusting her, pulled her hand back to turn on the radio before placing it on the steering wheel again. 

Occasionally, a song that one of them knew would start playing, and they would sing along, way too loud for any of it to actually sound good, even though Seo-yeon had a good voice when she actually took things seriously. 

It didn’t take long to get to Barnes and Noble, and Y/N hopped out of the car as if she had never been upset in the first place, waiting for Seo-yeon to get out, so she could intertwine their fingers. She seemed to hesitate for a moment when she saw Y/N’s outstretched hand. But, seeing her girlfriend physically deflate, thinking she wouldn’t take it in her own, Seo-yeon quickly grasped onto her hand, lifting it up to her face, so she could kiss each finger as they intertwined with hers. 

They only let go once they were inside the store, and Y/N started wandering around the place almost aimlessly. She often forgot how much she truly loved reading while in these English classes, but she always cherished it when it wasn’t part of some assignment. The Young Adult section caught her attention as she made her rounds through the store, and she ran her hands along the shelves, reading the titles of the books as she continued strolling. 

She only paused when she saw a name she recognized, Adam Silvera. She had read a couple of his books and enjoyed them for the most part. Apparently, he wrote a book with Becki Albertali, a name that sounded familiar too but that she couldn’t remember where from. She glanced at the blurb, and it immediately became clear this was another LGBT book to add to Silvera’s collection. She tucked it underneath her arm, knowing she wanted to read it for the representation alone, although Silvera’s name on it was a nice bonus. 

It took her awhile to find anything else that interested her. There was a ten year anniversary edition of  _ Clockwork Angel _ that she scooped up. She didn’t normally buy special editions because they just cost so much money, but her original copy of the book at home was torn to shreds from the amount of times she had read the thing. So she figured she could make an exception just this once. She also picked up a copy of  _ Murder at Mansfield Park _ .  _ Mansfield Park  _ had always been her favorite Jane Austen book, so she figured it would be interesting to see the ways in which the author had adapted the story to fit her own vision. 

After that, she started thinking about how much all of the books would cost and stared at them, considering which one she would put back. But Seo-yeon placed her head on Y/N’s shoulder, scaring the girl half to death and laughing at how high she jumped before realizing who it was. Seo-yeon seemed to know exactly what she was thinking too as she cocked her head to the side and said, “You don’t have to worry about the cost. It’s all on me.”

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows and bit the inside of her cheek. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Yes you can,” Seo-yeon replied, gesturing with one hand for her to hand the books over. “Just let me have them, and I’ll bring them to check out.”

“What are you hiding behind your back?” Y/N asked instead of responding. 

Seo-yeon frowned, knowing she’d been caught red handed, but tried to smile as she showed Y/N the small cat statue.

“Is that-” Y/N began, but Seo-yeon cut her off, nodding her head.

“Jiji.” She had seen the Miyazaki character on a shelf by the adult section and knew she had to get it for Y/N.

But Y/N didn’t seem pleased by the idea. “How much does that cost?” she asked, reaching a hand out to see the box and find the thing’s price tag. 

“Like I said,” Seo-yeon replied, moving it out of Y/N’s reach, “don’t worry about the cost. Let me spoil you.”

Y/N didn’t like this. Seo-yeon was usually more careful with her money, never wanting to spend more than she had to. But she let her go to the counter with the books and statue in hand, lingering by the door as she waited for Seo-yeon to pay. 

When she finally walked over, a large beige bag with someone’s written script all over it dangling from her forearm, Y/N stepped in the direction of the entrance. But Seo-yeon gently pulled her arm back, gesturing to the Starbucks on the other side of the store. 

“What is it?” Y/N asked, and Seo-yeon pouted like a little kid. It was hard not to listen to whatever she said when she made a face like that. 

“You must be hungry,” Seo-yeon replied, and, although she let out a heavy sigh, Y/N let the girl drag her over with only mild complaining. “You stay here and watch the bag,” she ordered, carefully placing it on top of their table. “I’ll get us something to eat.”

Y/N could have told her what she wanted, but she didn’t want anything if she was completely honest. And she knew that Seo-yeon knew what she liked. She would have been lost if she had to order for Seo-yeon (because her order was always way too long and complex, and the barista got it wrong half of the time anyway), but she wasn’t surprised in the least when the girl returned with a latte for herself and a hot chocolate and a chocolate chip cookie for Y/N. 

She hummed in pleasure as she took a large sip of her hot chocolate and raised an eyebrow when Seo-yeon pulled out the shiny, new copy of  _ Clockwork Angel _ and merely glanced at the blurb for half a second before opening it to read. She usually wasn’t much of a reader, but she seemed to be enjoying it as much as she did anything else at the very least. Eventually, she met the eyes she felt staring at her and gestured to the bag before pushing it in Y/N’s direction. 

“Don’t you want to read?” she asked, and Y/N, despite how utterly perplexing Seo-yeon’s behavior since she picked her up had been, obeyed, pulling out  _ Murder at Mansfield Park _ and starting to read. 

They left once they were both making way too much noise, sucking up the last tiny droplets of their drinks, depositing both cups and their napkins in the trash. Seo-yeon let Y/N carry the bag as she unlocked the car, and they both hopped inside. She made sure to smile at Y/N before she put the keys in the ignition and got onto the road, but Y/N could have sworn the look didn’t reach her eyes. She could feel a knot beginning to form in her stomach but tried telling herself she was making something out of nothing. 

Neither spoke as they stepped inside their apartment. Y/N went to their room to leave her backpack and the plastic bag in the corner. But Seo-yeon poked her head in the open doorway and asked her, “Can you come out here for a second when you’re done? I want to talk to you.”

That certainly wasn’t good, or at least Y/N thought as much, the knot in her stomach only becoming tighter. She immediately shed her body of her sweatshirt, depositing it in the hamper by their bed, but stopped suddenly at the mirror as she turned around to leave. 

She took her hair out of its ponytail holder, putting the band on her wrist for easy access, and stared at herself in her reflection. She had bags under her eyes from working late on her paper for the past several days, never fully satisfied with it. She, eventually, just went back to the first version after including Nayeon’s edits and comments, but she’d worked on several- way too many- over the past couple days, each one seeming worse than the last. She supposed she just had to have faith that Nayeon knew what she was doing. But it was so hard to have faith in her, even for something as small as this. 

She shook her head to get rid of those thoughts. That wasn’t what was really important. And she turned away from the mirror entirely, hoping whatever Seo-yeon had to talk about would help her focus on what was really, truly consequential. 

She found the girl in their living room, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the couch, and sank onto the cushion beside her, clutching her knees to her chest. They just sat there for a minute, and Y/N found her thoughts only became louder and more incoherent as the seconds ticked by, but Seo-yeon seemed to be trying her best to find the words she needed to say. 

“I don’t think this is gonna work,” Seo-yeon finally said, brushing hair out of her face and glancing nervously to the side to look at Y/N but not have to meet her eyes. “Us, I mean.” 

Apparently, that’s all Y/N needed for her head to go silent. She opened and closed and opened and closed her mouth, unable to form words, let alone a full sentence. “Wh-why not?”

Seo-yeon turned back to face forward, blinking away tears, even when she shouldn’t be the one crying. “I don’t think I can love you the way you want,” she told her, covering her face with her hands, so the words came out a bit muffled. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Y/N said, reaching a hand over to rub circles on Seo-yeon’s thigh like the girl had done for her earlier. “Whatever’s going on, we can work this out,” she added and tried to pull Seo-yeon’s hands from her face only to see her cheeks stained red and wet from crying. 

“We can’t work this out,” she told her, shaking her head. “Believe me. I wish we could.”

“What do you mean?” Y/N asked. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears, and tears were starting to prick at the corners of her eyes. 

“I don’t think I can love anyone the way you want and deserve,” Seo-yeon said, but that didn’t help Y/N to understand what she meant any better at all. Before Y/N could say anything, she just spit it out- like pulling off a bandaid. “I think I’m aromantic.”

Y/N stared at her. “What?”

“I’m aromantic,” Seo-yeon said again, a bit louder this time, a little bit more forceful. 

“Aro… mantic?” Y/N sat up straight. She knew the term obviously. She was queer. She had queer friends. She’d been in the GSA in high school and had learned all about different identities through their work. She remembered posting a paper by the Big Brother mural by her psychology class all about what being aromantic meant, and yet she had never actually met anyone who identified that way, not to her knowledge it at least. “But isn’t aromanticism a spectrum?” she asked.

Seo-yeon hesitated but, eventually, nodded. “But I think I know where I’m at on that spectrum,” she said quietly. “I don’t think I feel romantic attraction. Period.”

“Was any of this ever real?” Y/N asked, and she, immediately, knew it was the wrong thing to say as Seo-yeon’s face fell, and her shoulders started to droop like they were weighed down with something incredibly heavy. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she told her, reaching out a hand to lay it on her arm, but Seo-yeon scooted her body another cushion over to avoid it. 

“I didn’t want you to think I didn’t love you,” she spoke up, her voice cracking on the word “love”. “I always did. But the way I experience love and the way you experience love- they’re not the same.” She heaved a sigh and clenched her eyes shut. “I love waking up to you every morning. I love falling asleep with you every night. I love having someone around who just seems to get me on the level that only you do.” She chewed on her lip. “But I can’t go on without letting you know that all of those things mean something very different to me than it does for you.”

“I’m glad you trusted me,” Y/N eventually breathed, although the tightness in her chest and the sight of the person she loved in so much pain was going to make her cry if she didn’t get her words out quickly. She didn’t know what to say though, pausing to think and finding nothing. Her mind was simply blank. And her body was merely numb. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Seo-yeon asked, glancing at her for the first time in what felt like forever. “You did nothing wrong.”

“I put you in a situation that you were never completely comfortable with,” Y/N replied, but Seo-yeon shook her head.

“I’m the one that told you that was okay. And I enjoy having you around. I always do.” She pursed her lips into a thin line before adding, “I love you. I can’t do it in the same way you love me, but I do love you.”

Y/N was silent. Her mind tried to come up with something- anything to make this less painful, but she wasn’t sure if there really was any way to do that. “Do you want me to get a hotel?” she asked, standing up on legs that wobbled like they were made of jello. “I can get a suitcase full of everything I need for now and move out in a couple days,” she offered. She’d be dipping into her savings, but she’d already been looking for a cheaper apartment for the two of them to move into, one closer to school and further out of the city. It would be worth it to have her own place.

“Don’t get a hotel,” Seo-yeon said, shaking her head. “I can sleep on the couch.”

“You are not sleeping on the couch,” Y/N argued. “I’ll sleep on the couch if you really don’t want me to get a hotel.”

“We’re in this situation because of me. I’m taking the couch.”

They went on like that for another five minutes before, finally, flipping a coin. Y/N sighed when it landed on heads- that meant she was sleeping in the bed. She knew she should have been happy, but, when she settled under the covers that night, she felt something tug at her chest as she was able to stretch out like a starfish like she never could before. The bed just felt so empty- she quickly found the tears finally rolling down her cheeks. And, before she knew it, the cries turned into sobs, and all she could do was stuff her face in her pillow to, hopefully, muffle the sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update this story. There's just been so much going on in my real life between school and family issues. But I fully intend on continuing this story and will try to update more often again. My current semester at school is almost over, so I should be able to focus more on writing again. But, anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and it would mean the world if you left a comment if you did. Comments really do help motivate me to write more for you guys. Regardless though, I hope you are doing well and are safe. And thank you so much for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Y/N clenched her eyes shut as she heard the door to the apartment swing open, stuffed her face in her pillow as she heard the gentle thrum of early morning conversation, smothered herself with blanket upon blanket upon blanket as someone started playing music from their Spotify- but it was, ultimately, the edge of the couch sinking down underneath someone else’s added weight that made her wrench her eyes open if only just to glare at whoever decided it was okay to disturb her sleep, peaceful- which it wasn’t- or not. 

She didn’t know what she was expecting because she certainly didn’t think it was Seo-yeon- she’d never glare at the girl like that. She’d merely been tiptoeing around their mutual existence for days at that point, unable to give the girl any grief while she loved her so much but, also, unable to look in her general direction without experiencing extreme pain all over again. But she hadn’t been expecting to see Nayeon either. 

“Goodmorning,” the girl murmured as she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, smiling gently like Y/N was some kind of rescue animal that she didn’t want to startle too much. “I brought doughnuts if you’d like something to eat,” she added, and Y/N furrowed her eyebrows but nodded, pushing herself off of the couch. The blankets she’d piled on top of herself fell to the floor around her, but she gathered them into a ball and tucked them back onto the same cushion her pillow was falling off of. 

“Morning,” she replied, clearing her throat, lest the other girl pick up on the fact that she had, in fact, cried herself to sleep- not for the first time that week. She stepped into the kitchen, where she saw Seo-yeon sitting at the table with a box of doughnuts open in front of her. She bit into one topped with green icing and sprinkles while Y/N plucked a glazed chocolate one for herself before going to the refrigerator to grab some milk. 

“I hope we didn’t disturb you from sleeping,” Seo-yeon said once Y/N sat down across from her. She grabbed Nayeon’s phone from where it sat at the edge of the table- Y/N recognized it from when she’d shown her her note to their mother, a memory she still couldn’t help but cringe at-, and she turned down the music, so they weren’t speaking over a pop-rock song and its rather nasally singer. 

“You didn’t,” Y/N lied as she poured a tall glass of milk. She dipped her doughnut inside like it was a cookie and sighed contentedly as she sank her teeth into it. It was almost enough to distract her from the confused thoughts running rampant through her head- but not quite. “What is she doing here?” she finally asked, and Seo-yeon sat up straighter in her seat, immediately understanding who Y/N was talking about. 

“She’s gonna help us pack your stuff into your car,” she said, and Y/N pursed her lips into a thin line. “And, then, we’re gonna get her stuff from hers.”

“What?” Y/N asked, frowning at the offhand comment. “Why is her stuff here?”

“Since you’re moving out… she wanted to move in,” Seo-yeon mumbled, glancing at the wall behind Y/N rather than directly at the other girl. . 

“Wasn’t she living with your dad?” Y/N didn’t understand why her chest felt so tight, but she couldn’t deny how moist her eyes were starting to feel as she stared at her now ex-girlfriend. She pretended to distract herself by dunking her doughnut in her drink again, but her movements were jerky and awkward and didn’t hide much of anything. 

“You know how he is,” Seo-yeon breathed, chewing on her lower lip. “And he’s been even worse since Mom died.” To her credit, she said it without faltering, but her eyebrows still drew together, and it was obvious she wasn’t completely unaffected by her words. “We shouldn’t have asked him to come to the funeral,” she said and choked out a laugh that didn’t ring true. 

“Did she know…” Y/N trailed off, glancing over her shoulder as she heard footsteps behind her. Nayeon froze in the doorframe when she met her eyes, opening and closing her mouth like a fish before quickly moving in the direction of the coffee pot.

“Don’t mind me,” she told them as she poured herself a tall mug of the stuff. “I’ll be out of here in a second.” 

Y/N fell silent as she watched her, although, true to her word, she was in and out before she knew it. “Did she know you were going to break up with me?” she finally asked quietly, trying to search Seo-yeon’s face for answers. But she wouldn’t look back at her, and it was hard to read her expression without the full picture. 

“I told her… before I did it. If that’s what you’re asking,” Seo-yeon stated. 

Y/N grabbed a napkin from the center of the table to rest her soggy doughnut on. “When?” she asked after a short moment of silence between the two of them. Seo-yeon seemed to know the question was coming. She, immediately, loosed a heavy sigh and propped her elbows on top of the table, so she could place her face in her hands. “Before we finished moving your mom’s stuff?” she asked, despite how Seo-yeon seemed to fold in on herself like an oddly bent piece of paper.

“No. It was after that,” she murmured, inhaling through her nose and exhaling through her mouth like she was trying to halt a panic attack from wracking her small body. “She didn’t know until the night before I did it.”

Y/N closed her eyes and placed a hand on her forehead before peeling it from her skin and, finally, gaining the courage to just look at Seo-yeon. “Was it all her idea then?” she asked, gesturing vaguely as if it’d, obviously, get across what she was getting at. “Picking me up from class? The books? The food?” 

“It was my idea to pick you up from class,” Seo-yeon told her, lifting her face from her hands and brushing her hair out of the way as she too risked a glance at the other girl. “She helped me brainstorm what to do after that.” She picked up Nayeon’s phone and turned the music down completely, shoulders tensing as she stared into Y/N’s eyes, taking in the brunt of the hurt laced in them. 

“Did you ever love me at all? Fuck,” Y/N cursed as she felt her eyes start tearing up. She tried to brush them away, but they kept coming back, each wave stronger than the last. “How could you trust the person who hurt me most with how to treat me right?  _ Fuck _ .” The word came out harsher that time as it clawed itself from her throat like she was choking. “Was she really the one that loved me the most? Because that’s just- sad.” She was so, so incredibly sad. 

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you,” Seo-yeon whispered, pursing her lips together as she too struggled not to cry. “I loved you. I still love you. I love you so much.” 

“You have some way of showing it,” Y/N sneered and pushed herself up from her seat. She was done crying in front of these girls. She was done- with everything. She had to leave. “I’m going for a drive. Pack my stuff up if you really want me gone that badly. I can’t be here right now.” 

“Y/N,” Nayeon said as the girl walked past her. She was carrying a box but put it down and followed her out of the apartment. “Y/N, wait!” 

“ _ I can’t be here right now _ !” Y/N exclaimed, moving past the elevator toward the staircase. The elevator would take too long, and she needed to be gone as soon as possible. “Not with you. Or her.”

Nayeon stopped in her tracks, gnawing on her lower lip as the younger girl left without so much as looking back at her. 

It was much, much later when Y/N finally returned to the apartment. She’d been driving all day- anywhere and anywhere until her bluetooth speaker finally ran out of battery, and her sad playlist had repeated way too many times for the words to still mean anything to her anymore. 

She paused at the sight of boxes outside of the door, opening one to see her laptop covered in its familiar stickers and the charger nestled neatly inside. She pulled out her key and just opened the door before she could talk herself out of it. 

There was still music playing, probably still Nayeon’s because it was the same nasally singer as earlier. She tried not to listen to the words as she walked through the living room, not unlike a zombie. 

Nayeon stumbled inside with another box and paused in the kitchen’s doorframe, opening her mouth to speak before closing it and simply walking past Y/N, probably to put the box with the others. 

Seo-yeon didn’t seem to get the memo that she should probably just ignore her, rushing to meet her as soon as she stepped into the room and saw her there. She held her face in her hands and peered at it from every angle she could to make sure she was alright. “Where did you go? Are you okay?” 

“I just went for a drive,” Y/N mumbled, her throat sore from singing along to ballad after ballad. 

“Are you okay?” Seo-yeon repeated as Nayeon came back inside. 

“Seo, don’t,” she urged her the younger, coming to pull her back by her shoulder. She, then, glanced at Y/N and told her, “If you want, you can start moving the boxes into your car.”

Y/N nodded quietly and physically removed Seo-yeon’s hands from her face as she headed back outside. She picked up the box with her laptop and headed downstairs. She put it down to unlock her car but stuck it on the passenger’s seat where it would be nice and safe. She envied it a bit, though the thought seemed quite silly as she walked back up to the apartment. She didn’t laugh though- not even a chuckle. 

It took moving a few boxes for Y/N to realize that Nayeon was playing the same song on repeat. She was tucking one full of her sweaters underneath her arm when she found herself muttering the lyrics underneath her breath, they had become so familiar. 

Her heart hurt as she realized what she was actually saying while maneuvering boxes to and fro in her trunk. 

“ _Yo, I'm back home for the weekend. Called you up, but you were sleeping. I wanna do those things we used to do back when we ran these neighbourhood streets…_ ” She forgot the lyrics for the next bit but hummed what she did remember, “ _We can't go back again, but we can pretend for one more weekend._ ” 

Was it meant to be a message? Was Nayeon really that crafty, was that really on her mind, and did she really not care what Seo-yeon might think about the song choice? Did she think now was really the time to try and get back together, even if only for “pretend”? 

This time, when she came upstairs, she headed back inside the apartment. She pretended like she was just getting herself a drink, immediately noticing someone had eaten the doughnut and drank the milk that she had left (probably Nayeon, knowing how Seo-yeon didn’t like eating things other people had already bitten). But she really just wanted to catch a glimpse of the older sister, see what the hell she might be thinking, if she had really gotten inside her head or if she was looking too deep into things that really meant next to nothing. So she left the door to the kitchen open, hoping to catch Nayeon in the act. What act, she didn’t know but in some kind of act. 

The door to Seo-yeon and Y/N’s bedroom creaked as Nayeon pushed it open, the box in her hands seemingly particularly heavy as she stumbled in the direction of the coffee table where a couple of her boxes were already laid. She heaved a sigh as she carefully put it down, brushing a lock of hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear. Y/N hadn’t realized it, but it seemed she had dyed it a chocolatey brown color between then and the last time she had seen her. It looked good, but Y/N tried to tell herself it really didn’t. 

Nayeon stood up, and her shoulders were drooping as she hummed to herself. She had always been a good singer, and Y/N hated her for it in that moment because she looked and sounded so beautiful, so much so that she was startled when Nayeon met her eyes through the doorframe. 

She jerked her hand, spilling a bit of her soda on her t-shirt. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything she cherished too much, just a simple design with her school’s logo on it, something she had a million more of if she really wanted to rep them that much (which she didn’t). 

“Like what you see?” Nayeon asked, seemingly before she could think better of it as she pursed her lips into a thin line once the question was out there. “Listen. She always loved you,” she added, and Y/N shook her head, turning away to get a towel and dry herself off. “I’m serious. In fact, she still loves you. She just doesn’t- I don’t really know- experience it the same way we do?” She said it like a question as she stepped inside the kitchen. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around it myself. I’ve never met anyone who’s aromantic before.” 

Y/N glared at Nayeon as she took the towel out of her hands, but the older girl merely helped her soak up some of the moisture on her shirt, dabbing it near the collar. Y/N’s face flushed, but Nayeon didn’t seem to realize the effect it had on her until she looked up. “It’s like those posters we used to put up for the GSA,” she told her, and Y/N frowned because that’s exactly what she had thought of when Seo-yeon first told her too. “Remember? The one near the Big Brother mural that we all hung up together?”

“Our psychology teacher hated that sign,” Y/N murmured, and Nayeon laughed bitterly as she put the towel down on the counter. 

“She also thought it was okay to joke that people had guns they were just waiting to use in their lockers.” Y/N tore her eyes away from the other girl at that. She remembered talking to her on the phone that very night, crying because she was scared that she’d be walking through the halls one day, and, all of a sudden, the silence would be broken, and all she’d be able to hear were gunshots. “You don’t regret that too. Do you?”

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows and glanced back at her. “What?”

“I don’t know,” Nayeon hummed. “Being open with me? Talking to me about things that scare you?” She paused for a moment before frowning. “Do  _ I  _ scare you?” 

“A little bit,” Y/N admitted before she could stop herself. “You keep doing shit like this,” she said, gesturing vaguely at their surroundings, “and you don’t seem to think about how I must feel. How am I ever supposed to trust you again when you can’t even think about that?” 

“I don’t know what  _ this  _ is,” Nayeon replied, mimicking her gestures.

“The music,” Y/N said, putting her hands on Nayeon’s shoulders and gently pushing her further away. She was close- too close. “And cleaning my shirt. And planning the day she’d break up with me- I mean, what am I supposed to think?” 

“Did you like your day?” Nayeon asked first, and Y/N paused. What was she getting at?

“I guess?” she finally replied, brushing her bangs back out of her eyes. “I like books and hot chocolate. So what?”

“ _ So _ , I, clearly, still know you,” Nayeon said, reaching up to move a strand of hair that she had missed. Y/N opened and closed her mouth without saying anything, and Nayeon smiled sadly. “You can at least admit that to me.” 

“You know me,” Y/N repeated, crossing her arms over her chest. “So you, out of everyone, should understand how upset I am. But you don’t. Or, if you do, you certainly don’t act like it.” 

Nayeon frowned and mirrored Y/N, crossing her own arms. Y/N, immediately, uncrossed hers and turned back to the fridge as if to get something out of it. Perhaps another drink since she’d spilled hers, but she didn’t really have any clear intentions in mind if she was being completely honest with herself. She just wanted to be as far away from Nayeon as possible, and that was her only option in the moment. 

“I told her you wouldn’t like it,” Nayeon said, and Y/N froze as she reached for a carton of pink lemonade. “But she kept pressing me for information. And I, honestly, thought you loved her enough that you’d forgive her for it in the end.”

“Are you,” Y/N began, the words feeling like gravel in her mouth, “suggesting that I don’t really love her?” 

“No,” Nayeon replied and went to grab her a glass from the cabinet, handing it to her, despite, seemingly, knowing she would get no thanks for it, just a look with Y/N’s eyebrows drawn together and lips pursed into a thin line. “But I think you have a lot of feelings that are getting tangled up with one another,” she added and clenched and unclenched her hands by her sides as she watched the younger girl sit at the table and pour herself a glass of the lemonade. “Feelings that you need to sort through. Not suppress to the point that you can’t even recognize them yourself.” 

“I’m not suppressing anything,” Y/N argued, and Nayeon had the audacity to laugh. “What’s so funny?”

“What else would you call, stuffing your face in your pillow until two PM?” Nayeon asked. 

“Wallowing?” Y/N said, but it came out like a question, and she didn’t realize her hand was shaking until she spilled a bit of her drink again, this time on the table.She quickly picked up a napkin to clean it off, glad for the excuse to focus on anything that wasn’t named Im. 

“Maybe it’s that too,” Nayeon conceded. “But, the last time you were really honest about your feelings, you edited it as soon as someone else saw.”

“ _ Shut up _ ,” Y/N, immediately, spat, glancing in the direction of the door to make sure that Seo-yeon wasn’t coming. “We don’t speak about that.”

“See? You’re suppressing your true feelings,” Nayeon pointed out, and Y/N’s hands trembled as she covered her face with its similarly trembling eyes and lips. “Tell Seo-yeon how you feel if no one else,” Nayeon said, and Y/N gasped for air as she started to cry. Nayeon sat down next to her, rubbing her shoulder as gently as she possibly could. “Please. For her, if not yourself.” 

Because that was what they could always come back together and agree on- how much they truly loved Seo-yeon. 

It was only in their mutual silence that they heard a choked sob, both immediately turning in the direction of the bedroom door where it came from. Nayeon hurried to throw it open, seeing Seo-yeon on the floor with her hand gripping her mouth, lest another cry escape it. But there were tears flowing freely down her face, and Nayeon had to pull her up from the ground and lead her to the bed before she could get anything comprehensible out of her. 

Y/N lingered in the door frame, just watching the two sisters as they hugged onto one another like their lives depended on it. “I still love you,” she murmured quietly, wrapping her arms around herself in a loose hug, “if that’s what’s bothering you.”

Seo-yeon shook her head, unable to look up at Y/N, instead burying her face into Nayeon’s shoulder. Her blouse was getting soaked in her tears, but it wasn’t like it was white or anything, so Nayeon let her cry as much as she wanted. She probably would have let her anyway. 

“Just g-go home,” Seo-yeon stammered, sniffling softly as she, finally, lifted her face. 

“She doesn’t have all of her stuff,” Nayeon argued, but Y/N shook her head.   
“I have enough of my stuff in my car to at least get me through the night,” she said, gripping onto the door handle and smiling sadly at the two women, now both her exes. Would she have to get used to thinking of them like that? Or would this be one of the last times she saw them? 

She shook her head and turned away from the sisters to go find her car in the apartment building’s parking lot. It was getting dark, so she would have to find it mostly by memory, but she would rather go “home” now than watch Seo-yeon break down without knowing how much of her and Nayeon’s conversation she had actually heard, let alone understood. 

Did she make things sound worse than they actually were? Or were they really that bad? She knew the thoughts would be plaguing her all night, but at least she’d get to sleep in a bed that she didn’t only used to share with someone she still couldn’t help but love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m sorry it’s been so long since I updated this story. I had a really busy December and felt very unmotivated throughout most of January, so it’s been difficult to get any writing in. But I’m, finally, making progress again. I do go back to school on the first, so I might not be posting as much as I once was, but I do plan on writing as much as I possibly can while still doing well in my classes. But yeah. I hope you guys had a good holiday season, that you’re safe, and that you enjoyed today’s chapter. Please leave a comment if you did because your comments always motivate me to write more and quicker, and they just, generally, make me really happy. Bye for now!


	6. Chapter 6

It had been a few weeks since Y/N had seen either of the Im siblings, and how she felt about that honestly depended on the day, or perhaps the hour, maybe even the minute. Sometimes, it felt kinda nice- like it was the first time she was able to breathe clearly in all of the years she had known the two. Other times, there was this weight on her chest that refused to go away until she checked some form of social media to see what they were doing. And, even then, the weight went away, but it was only replaced with this horrible tightness that made her feel like her heart was about to burst on the spot. 

She couldn’t lie and act like she hadn’t been anticipating her first text from either of the girls. She didn’t know what she was expecting- Seo-yeon asking to get back together (doubtful), an apology from either (slightly less doubtful)- she honestly didn’t know. But, sometimes, she’d stare at her phone for she didn’t know how long, waiting for just something, anything at this point. It was the longest she had gone without talking to them since she and Nayeon first started dating, and that was how many years ago? It was strange- more than strange. It was uncharted territory, and she wasn’t the type of person who was looking to scour the bottom of the ocean in search of new species. The bottom of the ocean scared her shitless, and, if she was being honest with herself- so did this. 

So, when she got a text from Seo-yeon, she released a shuddering sigh, and her hands started shaking, something they’d been doing a lot lately. She pressed a thumb to her phone’s home button, unlocking it before she could get a good look at whatever tiny preview there was of the message. She wanted to read it all, not some tiny bit. Because, if she merely read what her phone decided to show her, she was gonna convince herself she knew the message read something she didn’t want to see and would procrastinate actually checking it for hours, if not days. Knowing her, it would probably be days, unless Seo-yeon took pity on her and sent a follow-up message, which didn’t seem very likely. 

She opened iMessages, not realizing how hard she was gnawing on her lower lip until she tasted the first little spurts of blood on her tongue. She pulled her teeth away from the poor thing, but the damage was done, and the muscle ached more than her lungs burned the day she was tasked with running a “short” mile back in high school. 

_ Can you call me? I’m off work at 4.  _

She had to admit she’d been expecting something more. She could have just read that in her notifications, but she supposed she should expect less. The girls hadn’t spoken to her for weeks. They, clearly, weren’t dying for this small interaction in the same way she was- and she was dying, even if she didn’t want to admit it. 

So she set an alarm for four and threw her phone onto the passenger’s seat of her car as she drove around aimlessly. She felt better when she drove around, although it had taken her a long time to first get her license. Back when she used to have panic attacks more often, she’d been worried about having one while driving and thought she’d, inevitably, die in a car crash. But, once she’d grown used to driving, she found that she actually really liked it, especially when she just threw on a giant playlist on Spotify and cruised for hours. 

She didn’t put on a Spotify playlist this time because she was waiting for her alarm to go off, and, when it did, she pulled over into a small shopping center’s parking lot. There was a Barnes and Noble, and she considered heading inside, but there were too many bad memories of the store in recent memory. Plus, she didn’t want to be that asshole on their phone for the whole store to hear. 

So she called Seo-yeon, practically sinking into her seat as she found her contact and pressed the call button. She didn’t want anyone passing by to see her crying in her car in a random ass parking lot, but she supposed her fate had already been decided when she had thrown herself into the driver’s seat. She just hoped she wouldn’t really cry or, if she did, that it wouldn’t be too hard. 

“Hello?” Seo-yeon asked when she picked up, panting softly underneath her breath, seemingly rushing somewhere crowded with people, based on the noise in the background. “Y/N?”

“Hey,” Y/N breathed, pursing her lips into a thin line before speaking up again. “You wanted to talk to me?”

“I did,” Seo-yeon confirmed, and a car door shut loudly as Seo-yeon loosed a heavy sigh. “How are you doing?”

Y/N was quiet for a minute, wondering how exactly she was meant to answer that. How was she doing? She didn’t know. It felt like so much time had passed since she had heard the girl’s voice, and yet it felt like no time had really passed at all. 

“Y/N?” Seo-yeon asked after a while without any answer. “You still there?”

“Yeah,” Y/N replied, messing with her hair because she didn’t know what else to do with the hand that wasn’t holding her phone. “Sorry. I’m okay.” 

“Good,” Seo-yeon said after a moment. She could hear her licking her lips before she asked, “Are you busy today?” 

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows. “Today? No. Why?” She hadn’t been expecting Seo-yeon to want to see her. Did she want to see Seo-yeon? Maybe she should have lied and said she was busy. 

“Good,” Seo-yeon said and paused before breathing a small sigh. “Why is this so hard to say?” 

Y/N felt a spark of hope at that. Part of her couldn’t believe it, but part of her still wanted her to just say,  _ I made a mistake. I still love you. Please come home.  _

“You remember when we went to that diner? The night of my last show?” Seo-yeon asked, and Y/N murmured a quiet “mmhmm”. “I asked you guys if you wanted to send a message in a bottle to my mom,” she added and paused, although Y/N didn’t know if she was waiting for her to say something or simply sorting through her own thoughts. “Would you still want to do that?”

“Send a message in a bottle?” Y/N asked, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she had fully processed what Seo-yeon had said. “I mean- I don’t know why you’d want me there,” she admitted, sitting up straighter in her seat as she watched someone open the car in the parking spot beside her. 

“I know you might not even have a message for her,” Seo-yeon murmured, sighing softly through her nose. 

“I have a message for her,” Y/N spoke up.

“You do?” There was the faintest tinge of hope in Seo-yeon’s voice, and it made Y/N smile, if only slightly. It was nice to hear again. “I know Nayeon and I have both hurt you more than we ever could have wanted to,” she added, and Y/N could hear the tears burning at the back of her throat. “But you’re a part of this family. You have been for a long time. I think my mom would want to hear what you had to say,” she said. “And… I think Nayeon and I would really benefit from having you around too.” 

“Are you sure?” Y/N hesitated, not because she didn’t want to accept the offer. She wanted to see them again. She wanted to hold their hands as they said their final goodbyes to their mom, so they both knew she was there whenever they needed her. She’d realized that in the past couple weeks. She still wanted a place in their little family, especially as it only got that much littler. She just didn’t want to get hurt again, and part of her was starting to think that was the only thing that could ever happen with those two around. 

“Yeah,” Seo-yeon said and apologized quietly as she blew her nose. It sounded like she had swallowed her own tears. “I’m really happy to talk to you again.”

“Me too,” Y/N murmured underneath her breath. “Where do you want to meet? And when?”

“By that cave we used to explore on the beach,” Seo-yeon told her, still sniffling but, seemingly, done crying for now. “And- I don’t know. Maybe an hour? I still want it to be somewhat light out.” She exhaled quietly, almost like she was counting down every second she breathed. “Is that okay? We can always do it later if you can’t make it.”

“I can make it,” Y/N replied, turning her car on and throwing Seo-yeon on speaker phone, so she could start the drive back to her new place. “I’ll go home and print out my message right now.”

“Thank you,” Seo-yeon whispered. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be such a mess. But thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me,” Y/N said, shaking her head, even if she couldn’t see it. “She was like a mom to me too.”

“Right.” Seo-yeon inhaled sharply before muttering, “I’ll see you then.” And the line, immediately, cut off at that. Y/N clenched her eyes shut for as long as she reasonably could on the road and told herself she couldn’t have expected anything more. 

“You look good,” Nayeon commented when she first noticed Y/N approaching the sisters on the beach. She had taken off her tiny pair of heels once she had reached the sand, always preferring to feel the rough sediment between her toes. She was wearing a simple black dress, not too formal for what they had planned but hardly casual either. And she had a necklace with a small heart pendant caught beneath her sweetheart neckline, nestled nicely against her own heart. 

“Thanks,” she murmured, but she didn’t pay much attention to Nayeon, instead peering to the side to look at Seo-yeon. She had a piece of paper in her hand, all folded up, so it might fit inside the bottle she assumed the girls had brought. “Are we reading the notes,” she asked curiously, “or are we just putting them inside and watching it… drift away?” 

“I trust that you wrote something deep and meaningful,” Seo-yeon said, brushing a lock of hair out of her face and behind her ear and nodding her head in front of her, so Y/N would step forward to where she and Nayeon were standing. “I think Mom would like it if these were kept personal between us and her anyway.”

Y/N was relieved to hear it, though she tried not to let it register on her face. She had gone back to her original letter to the woman and restored her original sentiments’ placement in the final version, comments about loving Nayeon and all. She’d been nervous on the way there about if she should have kept the censored version, lest Seo-yeon read her words and get upset. But she was glad that she had done so, knowing what was on that paper was between her and their mother only. 

“How are we doing this then?” Nayeon asked, placing a hand on her sister’s shoulder as she looked down at the bottle she held in her hands. There was already one note placed inside, seemingly her own, but she looked up and extended a hand to take both of theirs. 

“Quickly and painlessly,” she, finally, said as she unscrewed the cork and slipped their notes inside. It was a tight fit between all of them. Seo-yeon’s note was several pages long after all, although Y/N’s and Nayeon’s were on the shorter side. 

Y/N wondered if she really wanted things to be quick and painless- she could only imagine she’d be dreading the moment she, finally, had to let her mother go once and for all. But, perhaps, she wanted all of her worries to slip away into the water and waves alongside the bottle. 

“I love you, Mommy,” she breathed, lifting her head high, despite her eyes being clenched shut. When she opened them, two fat tears raced down her cheeks, but she wiped them off her chin before they could plummet to the ground. She stepped into the water, going just deep enough that her own dress didn’t get wet, before letting it fall from her hands and walking back to the other two girls, staring down at the ground as she did. 

Nayeon patted her on the back before pulling her in for a hug. Seo-yeon let her head droop onto her sister’s collarbone as sobs wracked her small body. Nayeon just placed her head on top of the girl’s, murmuring sweet nothings in her ear. “It’s okay. Hey, Seo, it’ll be okay. You did the right thing…”

Y/N stood there, watching the two through heavy lidded eyes. She felt her heart clench like it was about to wither there and die on the spot, but she reached out a hand and rubbed Nayeon’s shoulder as gently as she could- so gentle, she was only barely touching the girl. But that was all her heart could take at the moment, and she stopped when the girl glanced over in her direction with knowing eyes.

Did she know what she kept in her note? The document was still shared with her, so it was entirely possible that she knew, but Y/N told herself that she probably didn’t care- and that she shouldn’t care either. It was what it was, and what really mattered in that moment was making sure Seo-yeon was okay. 

“I know you guys took a lot of time out of your days to be here,” Seo-yeon whimpered, lifting her head to reveal her eyes were red from crying. “But can we- can we go somewhere? Together?” she asked, lifting a shaking hand and pointing in the direction of the boardwalk. “There’s a karaoke bar here. I think we could all use a drink or two,” she chuckled lowly, sniffling as she did. She looked at Y/N and added, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to though. I-I understand.” 

“I can go,” Y/N muttered before she knew what was happening or what she was saying. But she didn’t find that she regretted it, even as Nayeon nodded along.

“Me too.” Nayeon kneeled down and reached for a bag that she had placed nearby them on the sand, pulling out a towel with Disney’s The Little Mermaid printed on it. “You might want to dry off first,” she said and handed it over to Seo-yeon, who began rubbing it up and down her damp legs. 

Nayeon, then, turned to Y/N and, albeit hesitantly, murmured, “You can have one too- if you wanna get the sand off of your feet before we head in.” 

Y/N nodded and took one with Tinkerbell on it, rubbing the material between her toes to wedge the sediment out from in between them. When she was done, she slipped her feet back into her sandals and stood up to see Seo-yeon had already started walking in the direction of the bar, but Nayeon had waited there for her. 

“I just figured she could use the alone time,” Nayeon told her when she looked at the older girl with furrowed eyebrows, “however brief.”

Y/N nodded and handed her back the towel. She waited for Nayeon to place it back inside her bag before she started walking. Much as she wanted to be alone herself, she wanted to make sure that the other girl was alright. She was acting tough, but that could have just been for Seo-yeon. 

“So- how’d you end up doing on that paper?” Nayeon asked quietly as they set out after her sister. Y/N glanced at her in surprise- partly that she was talking at all and partly that she even cared to ask. “What? I wanna make sure I didn’t steer you wrong.”

“My teacher loved it,” she told her, rubbing gently, absentmindedly at her arm. “She loved your ideas- not that I told her they were yours, but- you know what I mean,” she stammered, flushing in embarrassment. She really wasn’t the eloquent type, one of the first reasons she had needed Nayeon’s help in the first place.

“I’m glad,” Nayeon said, nodding her head a couple times before glancing at the girl. “Are you taking any other writing intensive classes next semester?” she asked, nudging her shoulder with her own. “If you are, don’t hesitate to reach out- if you need help that is.”

Y/N nodded her head once, the movement abrupt and sharp. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She was taking another writing intensive class, but she figured Nayeon didn’t really  _ need  _ to know that. 

She seemed to notice the younger avoiding her question, pursing her lips in thought, but she didn’t say anything, simply walking faster after Seo-yeon, who opened the door to the bar for the two of them. 

“Anyone wanna sing?” she asked quietly as they stepped inside, nearly jumping out of her skin as someone on stage hit an extremely high note. Y/N could only laugh nervously at the sight of the girl, looking like a deer in headlights. 

“Maybe,” Nayeon replied once the woman was done- just loud enough to be heard over the sound of people clapping. She led the other two to the bar, sitting down on a stool and letting the strap of her purse fall from her shoulder, so she could pull her wallet out from inside it. 

“I don’t think so,” Y/N said, chewing on her lower lip. She didn’t have the slightest idea what she would sing in the first place. Plus, she wasn’t confident enough in her singing to get up on stage in front of so many people. 

“I’m gonna go sign up,” Seo-yeon said, and Y/N did a double take as the girl scurried away. She hadn’t expected her to have that confidence either. She’d always tried to get her to sing to her while they were together- because she loved her voice. But she always refused, saying she didn’t want to hurt her ears, despite her naturally pleasant tone. 

“Pick your jaw up,” Nayeon said to her after a moment, lifting her own as if to show her how. “They’re gonna think you’re some little kid with a fake ID if you keep that look on your face.”

Y/N did as she was told, swiveling in her seat to look at the bartender, who was staring at the two of them curiously, pen and pad at the ready. “I’ll have-” Y/N didn’t go drinking all that often. She didn’t know what she liked if she was being honest. 

“She’ll have some red wine,” Nayeon spoke up, and Y/N turned to stare at her, mouthing something about the stuff staining your teeth. Nayeon just shook her head and ordered some pale ale for herself. “What?” she asked finally when Y/N still hadn’t stopped staring at her. 

“I could order for myself,” she spoke, a deep frown etched on her face. 

“You could,” Nayeon agreed, “and we’d either be stuck here forever, or you’d settle on something that you’d end up hating just to get the bartender to stop staring.” 

Y/N decided not to argue with her because she knew she’d lose that fight, and, when the man brought her drink, she did end up liking it. She turned to and fro in her seat to look for Seo-yeon, realizing she’d been gone for awhile when she saw the girl on stage, pressing her little legs together as they probably shook violently from all the people’s stares on her. 

She held the mic in both hands and seemed to jump when the music started, but she didn’t miss her cue, singing the opening lines with her full, raspy voice. 

Y/N stared, her heart physically aching in her chest when she realized the song she had chosen. She had known she liked the song for awhile, but she didn’t understand exactly why until she uttered the words, “ _ Yeah, we were born to be alone. But why we still looking for love? _ ”

She really was trying to love Y/N that entire time. She just couldn’t. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It just wasn’t possible.

Y/N stood up when she was done and had bowed rather hurriedly for the crowd. She hugged her before she knew what she was doing, before Seo-yeon had even registered she was walking toward her. She found herself pressing her face into the girl’s neck, her eyes wet as she sniffled. She lifted her face and cupped her mouth with her hand before holding onto Seo-yeon’s cheeks and smiling, despite her tears. 

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered, clenching her eyes shut as more leaked from them, staining her face red and wet. “I never should have said the things I said. Any of it. Any of the terrible things I a-accused you of.” She leaned her head on the girl’s shoulder, and Seo-yeon merely patted her softly on the back as she shook with every damned sob that clawed itself from her poor throat. 

“It’s okay,” she murmured, brushing some of her damp hair out of her face and placing it carefully behind her ear. Y/N shook her head, but Seo-yeon just nodded and kissed her on the forehead. It was like letting go of her mom had lifted every last burden from her shoulders as she tried to catch Y/N’s eye and smile at her. “It’s really fine.” 

“Let’s get you a drink,” Y/N blubbered, stepping in the direction of the bar on wobbly legs. She didn’t even realize Nayeon was gone until Seo-yeon looked around the bar for her. 

“I think she’s gonna sing too,” she hummed, and Y/N found that she didn’t have the capacity to care. She was still crying as she took another long sip of her wine. “Hey, there’s no reason to cry. I swear I’m fine.” 

Y/N nodded, wiping her eyes and trying to blink away the rest of the absolute onslaught. She tried to smile too, but she could tell it was obvious she was faking it when she looked at Seo-yeon and saw the sadness on her face. “Don’t get sad too. We can’t both be sad,” Y/N told her. “If you get sad, I’m gonna be a hopeless case.”

“I’m not sad,” Seo-yeon said, and Y/N was sure it was a lie. “No. Really. I’m actually happier than I’ve been in a long time,” she told her, nudging her with her shoulder. “Now, watch Nayeon.”

Y/N turned around to face the stage again, seeing Nayeon with her shoes having mysteriously gone missing, stance wide as she counted down the beats to her cue with her hand on her side. She held the microphone with the other but started gripping it with both as the words tumbled from her lips. 

“ _ What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin'... _ ”

Y/N sat up straighter, clenched onto her drink tighter. She searched Nayeon’s face for the girl’s usual confidence, but she looked close to tears as she nearly messed up the melody, taking perhaps too sharp of an inhale for the song to handle. 

Did this mean she didn’t know she’d added her back into her note to their mom? That was the only thing she could think of. She thought that she didn’t want to talk about her when, really, these two were the only thing she wanted to talk about ever. 

“ _ My heart is certain. It's more than a crush. 'Cause I'm frozen in motion, and my head tells me to stop. _ ”

Y/N felt Seo-yeon nudge her again but almost didn’t realize it. She was so engaged in Nayeon’s performance, in Nayeon’s eyes as they caught hers, and she smiled but looked so sad. 

“You know, I wouldn’t be offended if you two…” She trailed off, but Y/N understood what she was getting at, although she glanced at her with furrowed eyebrows and betrayal in her expression. “You didn’t think I had no idea what was going on. Did you?” 

“The whole time?” Y/N asked, her voice going up an octave at the end. 

“No. Not the whole time,” Seo-yeon told her, shaking her head and chuckling lowly at her surprise. “But after we broke up. Nayeon told me- she couldn’t stop thinking about it. She thought I would hate her. But I could never hate either of you, even if I tried.” 

“You couldn’t?” Y/N pursed her lips into a thin line. She had hated them, or at least she had thought she did. She’d said the worst things possible to both of them. But that wasn’t how she really felt in the end, and she could only hope that they both knew that. 

But it was clear- Nayeon didn’t. 

“I’ll talk to her,” she said eventually, watching as Nayeon handed the microphone back to the DJ and slipped her shoes back on before heading over to the two of them. “I don’t know if I can promise more than that.”

“That’s fine,” Seo-yeon replied before standing up to hug her sister. “You did great!” 

“Are you two okay now?” she asked instead of answering, glancing back and forth between the two of them. “Have you made up and everything?” 

Seo-yeon pouted at her ignoring her praises but nodded, punching Y/N in the shoulder. “We’re all buddy-buddy again and everything. Right?”

Y/N rubbed absentmindedly at her shoulder but nodded. “Right…”

“Are you gonna sing too?” Nayeon asked her, and Y/N, immediately, shook her head. 

“And deafen all of these people? Hard pass,” she said, but Nayeon just raised a single eyebrow. 

“I like your voice,” she said softly, and Y/N had to do a double take because she deserved much less than this after everything she had done.

“I’ll sing to you some other time,” she replied just as softly, and Nayeon nodded as if that made everything okay. 

“I’m holding you to that.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I know it’s been awhile, but I’m still writing this story! It just might take me a little while to update while I’m learning to balance writing with school. But I hope you all are doing well and that you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you enjoyed if you did! Your comments always help motivate me to write more and faster, so I’d really appreciate it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you’re enjoying this story. If there was anything about the story or the writing that you liked, please let me know, so I can emulate it in future chapters. Comments can really make my day and motivate me to write new chapters faster!


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